She realized it wasn’t about how hot he was. It was about how beautiful his intentions were.

Jan 25, 2009

After 3 weeks of excruciating training, I am finally on the floor and at my desk. I have yet to make my first phone call, which will be done on Monday, but I’m not that nervous about it. While most people are worried that they are going to screw up, that has never been one of my concerns. No one is perfect and I’m quite certain that the company doesn’t expect us to be. They want us to screw up, we’re supposed to screw up, because ultimately it’s the only way we’ll be able to learn. Really my only concern is not being able to help people realize just how important school is. I don’t care so much about not meeting the expectations set for me, more about the fact that I’m going to fail at being a mentor, which means that I’ve not only failed my students or potential students but also myself. I’m trying not to think too negatively about it, but I can’t say that it isn’t hard.

My birthday is just around the corner and I am near 23 years of age, which terrifies me. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve had some serious bouts of baby fever which I realize is absolutely insane, but it’s hard when you see the people you’ve gone to high school with having babies, starting families, and while you’ve been married for nearly 2 years, that aspect of your life is still far into the future. I mean I know it’s best to wait and I realize that in the long run, I’ll be happy I did, but there’s that stupid biological clock that keeps ticking away, never failing to remind me that I am jonsing for a little baby to hold and mold into someone great. Bah, stop it clock. I still have time, I’m still young. Now if only my head would listen.

Robby and I have been discussing the possibility of buying a house, depending on how long we decide to stay out here. Ideally, I’d love to move out to Philadelphia, but a transfer would only be possible if I have an acceptable review and an opening for a finance counselor happens to open up within the next year or so. I’m not too worried about my position because they’re typically always hiring for it, it’s just Robby’s position that makes it difficult. Either way it’s probably not something that’s going to happen for awhile, but it’s definitely a nice thought.

In my previous post, I shared with you all a list of resolutions I had for this year. I’m slowly making progress towards one of them which is to start school. I’ve completed all the paperwork and am now awaiting academic clearance from the department which specialists in processing applications. Once I get cleared for that, my finance counselor will take a look at all my financial paperwork and if everything looks good, clear me for registration. At which point my Enrollment Counselor will contact me and let me know when I start school. I am aiming for February 2, but it’s really dependent on when all of my paperwork gets cleared. It’s both scary and exciting, but I’m happy to be making this step.

My next goal to complete is going to be getting my license. I admit that I’m still putting this off, but it’s one of those things where I don’t feel like sitting for hours at the DMV on one of my days off. What’s sad though is that I’ve gotten very lax with my driving, so I will need to practice on driving “correctly” so I can pass the test. It’s going to be difficult trying to break some of the bad habits I’ve picked up, but I’ll have to learn to do it if I expect to pass my test. I have until April to get my license because that’s when my permit expires, so that’s my goal. I’m hoping that I’ll stick with it and not let my fear get the best of me.

In other news I’m gonna have to send my laptop in because there’s a problem with the charger. About a month or so ago, I had the same problem, where out of the blue the charger just stopped working. I knew it was the charger because the charger block has a light which turns green indicating that it is receiving an electric current. Suddenly out of nowhere the green light stopped showing so I contacted technical support and they sent me another one. Well this morning, while I was using my lappie, I noticed that it was running off battery power when it was plugged in. First thing I did was check to make sure it was still plugged into the outlet and then I picked up the charger and looked at the block and discovered that the green light was no longer on. I’m not exactly sure what the problem is, but I’m going to see if I can send the laptop in, as opposed to asking for another adapter because replacing it doesn’t seem to be the resolution. Hopefully they don’t give me a ton of heat regarding the adapter because I don’t really need the headache!

As a side note I removed the “Twitter” block from the footer because it wasn’t working and replaced it with my last.fm list. I’m a bit sad that I can’t have the Twitter updates, but I was tired of dealing with it so now you get to see what I listen to when I’m fooling around on the internet.

Well, I’m off to read the next book in the series I’m reading called, “City of Ash“. So far, I’m enjoying the storyline and while it’s not the most amazing book, it does what is necessary and that’s allow me to escape reality. If you’re interested in reading the series or at least learning a little more about the series, the first book is called, “City of Bone” and is written by Cassandra Clare. If you do look it up, let me know what you think! Alright, I’m off to read!

You fought, you loved, you lost; walk tall.

Jan 19, 2009

So I know I had originally said that I would be using this domain for vlogging, but I’ve changed my mind thanks to my lovely friend Amy who made me realize how much I miss setting up websites and creating layouts for them. So I suppose I may do a mixture of both vlogging and blogging, it’s really dependent on how I feel and how scrubby I happen to look.

For now I leave you with the resolutions I posted on my Livejournal. In terms of actually keeping them I think I’m doing quite well. Let’s just hope I can continue to follow through.

Focus on the things that matter. For far too long I have been letting the little things get to me. The things that don’t matter. This year I want to focus on the things that do matter. Like the love I have for my husband. Our marriage. Us. I want to let the little things go because at the end of the day, at the end of my life, they won’t matter.

Make friends. I’ve been here for a little over a year and I don’t really have any friends. I had made some, but that didn’t work out, so this coming year I want to put myself out there. I want to stop being so guarded and actually make some friends out here. The road to happiness is having people who make you laugh and smile in your life. I have my husband and I’m not saying he isn’t enough, but I think friends make life a little less mudane. So I will make some friends!

Dance. I’ve always loved to dance. I’ve always loved going to the club, but all that stopped when Robby and I got together, so this year I want to make a point to go dancing. For right now I will say once a month is an appropriate goal.

Start school. I’ve been putting it off. I admit that I’m afraid. It’s been 4 years since I was last in school so I’m afraid I’m going to fail miserably. However, this year no excuses. It’s free and I want to go back. I just have to believe that I’ll succeed.

Focus on photography. I’ve let it escape me. I won’t lie. Life got so complicated that I’ve fallen away from it, but I want to get back into it. I intend on taking classes this summer so I can finally put my $700 camera to use.

Get my license. Again, one of the many things I’ve been putting off because of fear. I failed the test 3 times so that kind of pushed me away from it, but I have to stop letting my fears get the best of me. I need to face them and finally get my license. I’ve put it off for far too long.

Get back into graphic design. I’ve been on a slump for the longest time and too afraid to get back into it for fear that I’ll still have a block, but I need to. I want to. So I am going to try and make something at least once a week… or maybe focus on some big projects like photo manipulations.

PHP. I’ve had a book on PHP for more then a year and have probably picked it up all of 5 times. I really want to sit down, read the book, and actually learn from it. I need to stop putting it off and this year I think I will.

Music. Get back to my roots. I’ve been neglecting it for awhile and have just started to realize how much I miss it. Thus, I will be getting back into finding new artists I like and trying to expand my music library.

Experiences. I want to try something different at least once a month. Whether it’s rock climbing or skydiving, I want to say I’ve experienced things I have talked about, but have never taken the initiative to actually go out and do.

Openness. Stop protecting Robby and let him see me. Really see me. I want to stop worrying about hurting his feelings and just tell him how I feel when he’s done something to piss me off, upset me, or hurt me. He needs to know that it’s not okay to do some of the things he does.

Be happy. I know it’s a difficult concept for me, but I want to try. I have the tendency to not know what to do with myself when things aren’t dramatic, so I want to learn that it’s okay when there is no drama in my life.

Past. Stop looking back. It serves no purpose and it’s time to look at the door that’s opened in front of me, rather than the one that’s closed.

Old friends. I suck at keeping touch with most of my friends so I want to really focus on that. Make the effort to contact them and see how they are doing.

Family. Another thing I suck at, lol. Again, I want to make more of an effort in calling my family, especially my eldest sister and dad just to talk and see how they are. I know they get frustrated when they don’t hear from me, so this is the year that will change.

Cooking. I really want to get into cooking.. particularly with Robby, so I will be looking up recipes for us to try out and make together. I think it will be a fun experience for the both of us.

Exercise. I want to start getting up early, probably about 4, jogging in the morning, making breakfast and then going into work. I also want to start going to the gym after work so I can get back into shape. Plus, I think if I take initiative and start working on myself, Robby will follow suit.

Home. I’ll admit my home isn’t very homey and I think that’s partly one of the reasons I’ve been so miserable. Home doesn’t feel like home. Thus, once I start working and we have two incomes coming in, I want to focus on decorating the house and make it a home and not just a residence.

World of Warcraft. Yes, I have a resolution for WoW because I am that sad, lol. Anyway, I want to level my 3 toons (DK, Hunter, Druid) to 80 and then join a raiding guild with at least one of them and get raiding experience so I can eventually start my own raid guild. Additionally, I’d like to level my mage who’s been sitting at 25 for over a year to 80 and start a warlock and lvl her to 80 as well.