It seems we have no control what so ever over our own hearts.

Feb 8, 2009

Life
Is it just me or does it seem like everyone and their mother is pregnant or getting pregnant? Now normally this wouldn’t bother me, but I’ve been dealing with a huge case of baby fever these past few months and it just seems like every time I turn around I hear that someone is pregnant or someone just had a baby and it’s really starting to get on my nerves. I have no problems admitting that I’m beyond jealous because I’d like my own bundle of joy, but I’m a realist and I know that now would not be a good time to even consider bringing a child into the world, however that doesn’t mean that I enjoy having it thrown in my face every time I turn around. Well at least that’s how it seems. I mean yay, congratulations to the future mom and dads to be or the new parents, but I’m bitter and unhappy and tired of hearing about pregnant people or seeing them!

Work is no better. Every which way I turn, there’s a pregnant lady walking around and I can feel the green in me start to come out. The little vines of green coil around my heart and make me want to scream, “No fair, no fair!” Instead, I smile, and ask when they’re due in the meanwhile I’m silently thinking to myself, “Bitch.” You know it didn’t seem too long ago when I didn’t really care and had no desire at all to have a child because I knew I had time, but even at 22, almost 23 my biologically clock is doing wonders to try and speed up the process. Thank goodness I have a husband who does well in making me see the reality of things– even if he has to do it almost every other day because of the constant exposure to moms to be. *pouts* *pouts*

School
School seems to be going well. I dislike the word count limitations on certain assignments because I’m a writer and limitations on the maximum number of words only serves to piss me off. Currently I have an “A” in both my courses, though just barely in one of my courses because I wasn’t aware there was a maximum number of words I could write being as it wasn’t clearly stated. Yes, I’m pissed– but at least now I know and make an effort and I mean an effort to make sure I’m in the word count requirements limitations. It’s beyond frustrating, I can tell you that.

I am really enjoying one of my instructors for my Contemporary Business Communication class, but I don’t particularly like my instructor for my Skills For Learning in an Info Age class. She seems rather bland and dissociative and I’m just not a fan. I cannot wait until I’ve finished her course. I may actually throw a party!

Electronics
I recently just found out that T-Mobile is due to release the newest version of the Blackberry Curve this month. I had planned on purchasing the Blackberry Bold unlocked, but I may just get the Curve as the specifications are slightly better and it’s must smaller and thinner then the Bold. I have yet to decide, but I plan on checking out the new Curve prior to making my decision, as I’ve already tried the Bold and loved it. Chances are I will go with the Curve only because it will probably be cheaper and I wouldn’t have to worry as to whether or not I could get 3G on it via our provider.

I also plan on purchasing the G-1 for Robby as a surprise, though he has insisted that I wait for the rest of the phones T-Mobile is supposedly due to release. The only problem is that his phone is a complete piece of shit and it’s not just that he wants a new phone but really that he needs one. So those will be my two purchases for the month of February, one as a birthday present and the other just because I love him.

Travel
This weekend Robby and I will be driving to San Diego because I desperately need some time out of the state. Plus we have a 3 day weekend due to President’s Day, though my manager was kind enough to give me my birthday off so really we’ll have a 4 day weekend. What sucks is that before we can even think to drive out to San Diego we have to get one of the tires on the Jeep replaced because it appears to have a leak. Unfortunately it’s not covered under the warranty so we are forced to pay out of pocket to replace the tire. Not something we are really looking forward to, but unfortunately it has to be done before we head out to San Diego. Of course we could just stay in for the weekend, but I’m not particularly thrilled about that idea because I really need to get away for a weekend. Hopefully it won’t cost too much to replace the tire but knowing our luck that won’t be the case.

Well, I’m off to bake some cookies, straighten my hair and simultaneously try not to pull out my hair as I try to complete my homework which again has a damn word count limitation. It’s no wonder I haven’t thrown my computer out the fucking window yet!

Real loss only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself.

Feb 3, 2009

I feel as if I’ve been hit by a bus. I didn’t feel well at all today and going to sleep at 1am last night did not help. I’m hoping I’m not coming down with anything– but being as it’s been nearly 2 years since the last time I was truly sick, my body is essentially telling me that I’m way overdue.

I started school yesterday and I have to say it was a bit overwhelming. For the most part though I think I’m getting the hang of it and shouldn’t have any problems with passing my classes. Robby has taken to referring to me as the Nazi because when I’m in school I’m generally very focused and refuse to miss an assignment or turn papers in late. That’s not how he operates, as he doesn’t mind skipping a few discussion questions because the don’t equate to that much and he doesn’t understand why I don’t think along the same lines. I had to explain to him that I’m a HUGE perfectionist and part of the reason it had taken me so long to return to school is because I wanted to not only succeed in my course work but also get the best grades possible. I know I have issues, but that’s just how I’ve always been and one of the reasons most of my peers would come to me about assignments of if they just needed help in general. Now believe me I’m far from perfect and the one subject that I’ve always been mediocre in is math. My brain just doesn’t think along those lines and thus it’s always been my weakest subject– which is great because I have to take 2 classes of college algebra which I’m sure won’t be pleasant but unfortunately are necessary evils.

These past few days have been a little insane. I’ve been dealing with cutting negative people out of my life and focusing on moving forward and the future. Most, if not all of my friends agree that I need to stop associating with this particular individual and move on. I’ve been known to continually give people chances and while I have no problems with that, there are just somethings regardless of whether they were meant to be malicious or not that I cannot forgive. All my close friends know how hard the past year was for me. They know the struggles I’ve endured and the problems I’ve been forced to overcome. Most of my close friends realize just how close my marriage was to falling a part and while the thought will always be there to serve as a lesson to never forget, the last thing I needed was someone close to me to bring such a hurtful subject up in an argument where the subject had no relevance to such a painful time in my life. In a way I’m grateful because none of my real friends would have ever thought to bring it up, regardless of the argument and the point they were trying to make.

Even given all that’s been going on in the pass few days I’m extremely excited to be going to San Diego for an extended vacation next weekend. I really want to get out of the state for awhile and just enjoy time with family and friends. Plus, I haven’t seen Vala in forever so I’m really looking forward to seeing her again. It’ll be good to catch up and just hang out. Maybe do a late night Denny’s run like we used to. It’s really the only thing I’m looking forward to this month, because though my birthday is on the 17th, I do not want, nor need to be reminded that I’m getting order and getting closer and closer to my mid 20′s. I realize I’m being silly about the whole thing, but given that most who speak to me think I’m 30+, the older I get, the older I feel, so I’m trying no to think too much about the fact that another year has passed so quickly.

I’ve been on a HUGE book buying spree and I think Robby and I have been to B&N at least 3 times this past week. I’ve started reading The House of Night series and while it’s a bit immature at times, I do enjoy the premise of the book and the different perspective the authors have chosen to take on vampires. I just finished the 4th book in the series and am now anxiously awaiting the release of the 5th book in March. On top of that I picked up another book called It’s (Mostly) His Fault which is basically a book by a man written for men on how to be better husbands. It also has passages in the book for females because the other was right in his assumption that the first person to read the book would be a wife who would then insist that her husband read it. So far I’m really like it and I think it might help Robby understand the needs and the expectations I have from him a bit better. I’m anxiously to finish it and have him read it so it’s next on my list of things to read.

Along with that book I’ve picked up Choke for the Book Club on Flourish and will spend some time reading that on my breaks at work as well as when I get home from work. Now that I’ve completed the 4th book in The House of Night series, I have more time to devote to the book that I should be reading. I finished the first chapter and it was interesting to say the least– I’m not quite sure if I like it, but I am amused by the tone and style the writer has chosen to take it. Regardless of whether I end up liking it, I think it will be an interesting book.

Alright, I am off to get some sleep being as it’s almost 10pm and I wanted to try and get at least 8 hours of sleep. Hopefully, I’ll be able to update more often, but between school and work the free time I had is starting to lessen more and more, so we’ll definitely have to see.