Mar 23, 2009
For those who know me, they know that I fully believe that everything happens for a reason. Whether it’s tragedy, hurt, heartache, pain, happiness, love, or sorrow, I truly believe that each event or obstacle faced is building block for what will happen next. Some might think I am crazy, others may agree, but my whole life the things that have happened have always had a specific purpose or reason and I have always learned from those reasons. Now some may think that I am being naive in the way that I think. Others may say that of course I feel this way because my perspective is shadowed, grayed out– but regardless I believe what I believe.
2 years ago I was very different from the person I am today. I was a bit lost in some ways, though back then I never would have known it. Events took place that opened my eyes and I learned things about myself that I never even knew. I realized who my true friends are and that I had shunned them for a friendship that while I thought had potential ended up falling horribly apart. I was bruised from that time forward. I closed a part of myself and refused to let anyone new I met in– it took months for me to open up again, to reach out, and even still I have difficulties trusting new people I met online– though not as much as I had 2 years prior.
Time passed and I found that I had yet again changed, grown in some ways, faltered in others. I started to lose faith in the man I had pledged my life to and the realization broke my heart– as well as his. I fell– further then I ever thought I’d go, but miraculously he was there to catch me, regardless of the fact that I had hurt him, tore into parts of his soul he never knew existed– that I never knew existed and it was then in that very moment when my faith was restored, and I re-pledged my life to him, my soul to him, because I’d gotten so lost that it took me hitting rock bottom to realize that he’s always had them and always will.
So now here I am today. A lot wiser, stronger and more conscious of what I have, who I have, and what I almost lost. A weaker man would have walked away and I would not have blamed him. But he lent me his strength, strength he probably did not have to give, and now here we are today, laughing, crying, kissing, and loving each other in ways that we never knew we could. We walk side by side, hand in hand, to a future of love, strength, and happiness. He is and always will be my knight in shining whatever. 
Now my dilemma exist with another. A friend who I had more trust in then anyone else, with the exception of Robby. I shared with her some of the most intimate details of my life, however events took place which caused her to shatter my trust and our friendship. Thus, resulting in no communication between either of us for almost 3 years. Now she has returned, realizing what she has lost, what we had lost, and I have made the decision to continue to talk to her. The conversation came easily, as if the years that had passed were mere minutes, and it would appear that we had picked up right were we left off.
The only dilemma I face now is whether to fully let her into my heart once more. Many advised me not to, they believe she’ll repeat past mistakes, while others encourage me to do what I believe is right. The problem though is the man I have pledged my life to, is amongst the ones who don’t believe she has changed. He’s expressed his disapproval, but he will respect my choice regardless of what I choose because he loves me. I understand his concern. He remembers the countless nights of my crying in his arms, wondering what I was doing wrong, why I couldn’t fix it. He hurt for me in a way that no one ever has and thus he resents anyone or anything that could possibly make me hurt that way again. So my dilemma is to trust and let the past be, as he did with me, or to keep up the walls that I have carefully constructed, continue to speak with her, but never truly let her in?
I wish I knew. 
Mar 20, 2009
Well, I had originally intended on not opening until April 1st, 2009– however boredom has gotten the best of me and so here I sit to write about the past few weeks which have been a little bit crazy, adventuresome, and shocking. Things which I never thought would come to be, have, and things I never thought would happen, happened– but wait I am getting ahead of myself. Let me start from the very beginning…
In my post prior to the last (we will get to the previous post 
), you were all informed that Robby and I were in the midst of trying to find a home to buy. I was pretty down about the whole experience, being as we didn’t exactly qualify for much and I honestly felt like the search was really quite fruitless. However, our Realtor (bless his heart) refused to give up and would continue to drag us out every weekend to look at house after house. After another disappointing Sunday afternoon, as we were headed home, he calls us again to tell us that he wants us to look at a home out in Maricopa (about 35 miles out) that he thinks we will actually qualify for. I was exhausted, but I thought, what the hell why not? So Robby stops to pick up some food, we stop at the house to take a look at the pictures online to see if we’ll actually like it– and while I’m not very impressed with the pictures I figure we should go down anyway. So we drive down and meet with our Realtor, who shows us around the community, while we wait for the sales associate to show up.
Finally after 45 minutes, she calls him to say she’s made it down, and we pull up to the model and walk inside. I walk in and instantly fall in love. It is very spacious and although the kitchen is cornered off it is still very spacious that it doesn’t bother me as much. So we walk upstairs and are astounded at the size of the bonus room (loft) and even more blown away by the rest of the rooms in the house. At the point Robby asks to see the actual home, so we head over there and we love it just as much without the furniture. After a consensus between Robby and I that we love the house we head over to the office and fill out the necessary paperwork. Kristie the sales rep tells us that she will call us the following morning to let us know if the pre-qual was approved and being as we had failed to qualify for any other of the houses, I didn’t expect that we would hear good news.
The following day, while I’m working, my phone buzzes and tells me I have a voicemail. I look to see who’s call I have missed and notice that it is our Realtor’s, so I immediately think the worse. I press the voicemail key, enter my password and then listen to his voicemail. I was so surprised to hear him say that we had been approved. My jaw near dropped. I immediately called Robby to tell him the news, as I was still processing it. Kristie advised us that she was going to need a $1,000 cashier’s check to write the contract, so after we got off work at 4, with directions from her as to where to go for a Washington Mutual, we pull up only to find that it has been converted to a Chase. Frustrated, using the GPS in the Jeep we locate the nearest Washington Mutual and drive the 3 some miles to get there. Turns out that WaMu has been shut down. Nearly ready to tear our hair out, we look for the next closest WaMu, this time calling to ensure it is in fact a Washington Mutual and arrive there 30 mins prior to their closing. Finally armed with our cashier’s check we head over to the builder’s office and sign on the contract.
Kristie tells us that the loan officer from the mortgage lender they will be working with will need our past 2 months of bank statements, a copy of our taxes from this year and last, W-2s from the past two years, and our last 2 months of pay stub. She advised us that the loan processor would contact us the following day to let us know all that we needed, but we figured might as well get things sped along and go home and e-mail all the required documents. Robby hears back from her the following down and she advises him of the additional information she’ll need (very minor stuff) and he does his diligence in getting it to her ASAP. She then advised him that she would contact him to let him know if the loan was approved or not. The following day we hear back from her and she says that the loan has been approved, pending his signing and faxing of some documents which he does before he leaves work. She also informed him that if there were any hiccups which she didn’t think there would be, then we would hear back about it the next day or the day after. 2 days pass and we haven’t heard anything– so we are in the clear! 
A few weeks go by and the loan processor informs Robby that they just need a few things signed and faxed before she can send the paperwork off to title. After we do that we get a call a few days later from our Escrow Officer, and she gives us all the calculations and what will be required upon the signing of the title. Now originally we had thought that we would have to pay at least $4500, even with the $1,000 earnest money, but turns out her calculations came out to $3,196 for a down payment. We are absolutely ecstatic as we had expected to pay a lot more then that. She doesn’t believe anything in the amounts will change, but we are keeping the extra thousand until we actually close, which will be next Friday! 
Things have been a bit chaotic due to the fact, however I am extremely excited. It will be so nice to have a home that is ours that I can paint and hang up decorations without fear that I will lose out on my deposit if I do. Next Friday will probably be the next happiest day of my life and I cannot wait for it to arrive. We got a really good deal on the house, as it was $128,990 with an interest rate of 2.5% for the first year, 3.5% for the second, and then locks into 4.5% for the 3rd year, onward. Below you will find the images of the model home– truly it is absolutely breathtaking!
In the midst of all this an ex-friend who I had assumed I would never speak to again, suddenly reappeared in my life and we are talking again. I have a lot of people in my life who disprove of the situation, but there are some who support me and my decisions. For those people I thank because this is not easy and while that may appear to be the case– it is not. I realize exactly what I am getting into, I have thought about it, and while she hurt me, people make mistakes all the time. I had to decide if I would regret walking away without at least trying to reconciliation and upon a lot of thought and self reflection, my answer was yes. It’s been nearly 3 years– I know I have changed a lot during those years, so who is to say she hasn’t either. In the words of one of my very good friends, Nat, “Tread lightly.” And I am.
Mar 15, 2009
It’s funny how a moment in time can change your life. Make you think of things you might otherwise would not have or open up your eyes to things around you and the things that really matter. For those who are close to me they know that the end of last year was probably the hardest battle I have ever fought. And while it was hard and I thought I might not get through it, I am still standing here today, strong and proud of the things that I was able to overcome. Life changes so suddenly that you never see it coming. The person you thought you were and the person you thought you’d never be may suddenly become the person you are and you have to stop and wonder where to go from that point. How do you stop being the person you never wanted to be and become the person you want to be? The answer is never simple, it’s never easy, but regardless of that, it isn’t the mistakes we make that matter the most, it’s twhat we do in the aftermath of those mistakes that define the person we are– the person we will be.
I have had a lot of time to do a lot of self reflecting. Especially given how difficult life was in the past year and what exactly changed to get me to that point. What I discovered wasn’t something special nor was it something of great impact, but it was enough to make me re-evaluate a lot of the things in my life, as well as a lot of the people in my life. I have some great friends. I always have and I know that won’t ever change– yet there is one friend in whom I can’t ever truly let go. She wronged me in many ways, broke pieces of me that I thought couldn’t be broken and while some would understand if I resented her for the rest of my life– or hell even hated her, I find that I don’t have it in me. Regardless of how much pain she caused me or how many tears I shed on her behalf– in a way I am grateful because I can still remember the times we laughed, the times we cared, and the times we shared with each other. I confided in her, things I never thought I would be capable of confiding to anyone other then the man who has my heart about. And while I feared that she would run in fear, she didn’t– she listened and she was there for me in what I like to think is the best way she knew how.
It is those memories and those shared confidences that make it impossible for me to hate her in the way another person would. It is those moments of laughter and tears that make me realize that while things fell a part, we had something special and it is that very realization that will hold a special place in my heart. People aren’t perfect– I above anyone else should know that. It is the actions they take after their mistakes that speak the loudest. I just hope that mine speak what I want them too.
Mar 1, 2009
I know it has been quite some time since my last update, however I have been quite busy with school, work, and most recently house hunting. After a lot of thought, Robby and I have both decided that the market is right and it just makes the most sense to buy right now. We started looking at houses online and found a house that was 4bdrm with a loft, 21/2 bath, and a 2 car garage for 119,000. I contacted the Realtor, Sandy Hamilton, and we set up a time to view the home that weekend. Unfortunately the home was not what we had expected and while we loved the kitchen the layout was just completely odd so we decided that while the price was right, it just did not feel like home to us.
Sandy decided to show us some new houses built by a builder who he thought quite highly of and we looked at 3 different models. We ended up loving the first model that he showed us which was a 4 bdrm, 21/2 bath, fully furnished, with tons of upgrades (granite counter tops, centralized system, with speakers built throughout the entire house) for 172,000. We ended up doing the pre-qualification and found out that I don’t have a credit score, so they weren’t able to finance me, which meant that although Robby‘s credit was financiable he didn’t make quite enough on his own to qualify for the loan. Now, I am sure you’re all wondering how it is that they couldn’t include my income even though we are married. Well apparently do the crash in the housing market, lenders are cracking down and no longer taking non-traditional items to establish credit. Basically what that means is although the FHA requires the spouse be included on the loan, the lender was unwilling to include my income because I don’t have a FICO score. Stupid, I know– but that’s how things are now. A year ago, he and I would have had no trouble getting a builder to finance us, but at the same time the house would have been an extra 100,000, so all this means is we have to look for a house that’s around 100,000 to 120,000.
Now I am willing to wait a few months to establish credit, being as the tax credit is good until November 30, 2009– but Robby is insistent we look for something now. While I understand why he feels the way he does, it is a bit frustrating for me because I would rather wait an extra 4-5 months to establish credit and be able to work with both our incomes, rather then just one income, but Robby is pretty set on what he wants so I figured I can be as supportive as possible. I know he feels as if it is his responsibility to try and buy us a house, but that is not how I view it as all. We are in a marriage, equal to each other, we should work together to try and buy a house, but Robby has the archaic notion that it is his responsibility to take care of me. You would think given the fact that we have been together for almost 4 years he would know that is not how I operate, but nope he still thinks that as a man he should be the one who takes care of everything. It’s cute and I love him for wanting to take care of me, but it can also be frustrating as well.
In lieu of the new month, I have a new layout which I hope you all like. I thought it was appropriate for the holiday season and I really liked the image. Hopefully I will have the time to actually update more often, but work and school are keeping me busy as is. Throw house hunting in there, with a possible move– well I have no time whatsoever. I feel horrible because I have been neglecting Flourish, but I really just don’t have the time right now to try and keep activity up and keep thinking of new ideas to implement. I am hoping that tings will start to slow down a bit, but time will only tell. Alright, I am off to start my homework. It is a pretty long assignment and since I have been out all day I haven’t had the time to actually work on it, so I will probably be up late tonight. Oh joy.
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