If you’re going to go through hell, I suggest you come back learning something.

Mar 23, 2009

For those who know me, they know that I fully believe that everything happens for a reason. Whether it’s tragedy, hurt, heartache, pain, happiness, love, or sorrow, I truly believe that each event or obstacle faced is building block for what will happen next. Some might think I am crazy, others may agree, but my whole life the things that have happened have always had a specific purpose or reason and I have always learned from those reasons. Now some may think that I am being naive in the way that I think. Others may say that of course I feel this way because my perspective is shadowed, grayed out– but regardless I believe what I believe.

2 years ago I was very different from the person I am today. I was a bit lost in some ways, though back then I never would have known it. Events took place that opened my eyes and I learned things about myself that I never even knew. I realized who my true friends are and that I had shunned them for a friendship that while I thought had potential ended up falling horribly apart. I was bruised from that time forward. I closed a part of myself and refused to let anyone new I met in– it took months for me to open up again, to reach out, and even still I have difficulties trusting new people I met online– though not as much as I had 2 years prior.

Time passed and I found that I had yet again changed, grown in some ways, faltered in others. I started to lose faith in the man I had pledged my life to and the realization broke my heart– as well as his. I fell– further then I ever thought I’d go, but miraculously he was there to catch me, regardless of the fact that I had hurt him, tore into parts of his soul he never knew existed– that I never knew existed and it was then in that very moment when my faith was restored, and I re-pledged my life to him, my soul to him, because I’d gotten so lost that it took me hitting rock bottom to realize that he’s always had them and always will.

So now here I am today. A lot wiser, stronger and more conscious of what I have, who I have, and what I almost lost. A weaker man would have walked away and I would not have blamed him. But he lent me his strength, strength he probably did not have to give, and now here we are today, laughing, crying, kissing, and loving each other in ways that we never knew we could. We walk side by side, hand in hand, to a future of love, strength, and happiness. He is and always will be my knight in shining whatever.

Now my dilemma exist with another. A friend who I had more trust in then anyone else, with the exception of Robby. I shared with her some of the most intimate details of my life, however events took place which caused her to shatter my trust and our friendship. Thus, resulting in no communication between either of us for almost 3 years. Now she has returned, realizing what she has lost, what we had lost, and I have made the decision to continue to talk to her. The conversation came easily, as if the years that had passed were mere minutes, and it would appear that we had picked up right were we left off.

The only dilemma I face now is whether to fully let her into my heart once more. Many advised me not to, they believe she’ll repeat past mistakes, while others encourage me to do what I believe is right. The problem though is the man I have pledged my life to, is amongst the ones who don’t believe she has changed. He’s expressed his disapproval, but he will respect my choice regardless of what I choose because he loves me. I understand his concern. He remembers the countless nights of my crying in his arms, wondering what I was doing wrong, why I couldn’t fix it. He hurt for me in a way that no one ever has and thus he resents anyone or anything that could possibly make me hurt that way again. So my dilemma is to trust and let the past be, as he did with me, or to keep up the walls that I have carefully constructed, continue to speak with her, but never truly let her in?

I wish I knew.