And I almost completely blew it.

Sep 30, 2009

So I almost blew it and didn’t make the last blog post, lol. Danika had to send me a text to remind me since Robby had me caught up watching “Inuyasha” lol. I still can’t believe that today is the last day of Project: Blog and that I managed to make it every single day, usually I fail hardcore at these, but with a bit of encouragement and motivation help for the members of Ecstasy, I managed to make it through. I’m really considering continuing with blogging every day but I’m not sure if I want to make that commitment. I suppose we’ll just have to see how it goes.

So I spent the last few days leveling both my Ranger and Gladiator. I’m really, really liking the Gladiator and I’m considered using her as my raider but I’m not sure. I’m thinking about rolling a priest because their always needed but I’m not entire sure. I guess we’ll have to see. So far I’m having a blast playing with Vala and hopefully we’ll be able to get out toons to cap and raid together. I just need to get Vent to work. *facepalm*

Frustration leads to a break.

Sep 29, 2009

One more day before Project: Blog is over. It’s beyond surreal and I still can’t believe I managed to make it this far! I don’t want to say I made it all the way yet because technically if I don’t blog tomorrow that won’t be the case. Lol.

Today was pretty mellow, I didn’t do much. Played a lot of Aion and then finally quit when a quest I was on frustrated the hell out of me so I had to walk away. I’m a bar away from being half way to 17, so I’m going to try and hit 17 before I head to bed tonight but we’ll have to say. After a lot of thought I think I’m just going to use my Ranger for PVP and then use my Warrior or roll a Priest for raids. We’ll have to see though. I’m not 100% decided.

I’m a bit saddened at how fast my days off go. I don’t know when things changed but it went to feeling like I actually had days off, to not feeling that way at all. Ugh, it sucks. Alright I’m off to watch Inuyasha with Robby. Tomorrow makes the last day of Project: Blog– who knows maybe I’ll continue with blogging daily since I’m in the habit of it now. We’ll definitely have to see.

Oops! Almost missed the train.

Sep 28, 2009

Well this is certainly a close post! I got caught up watching House, Lie to Me, and InuYasha which is why I am blogging so late in the day…er night. I really enjoyed the House episode tonight. I loved that they pulled him away from the hospital and added a different dynamic to him. I also felt that it really emphasized how shitty the place is without him– and I’m not too heartbroken about the split of the crew, as I was honestly never thrilled with the new cast. I thought Amber was a good candidate but then that didn’t happen, probably because she was too much like House, so it’ll be interesting to see which way they take the show.

Lie to Me’s season premiere was good. I was pleased with it and quite uncertain with the direction it is heading. Regardless it was a good season opening and I have to wonder what direction they plan on taking the show this season. I still need to purchase season 1 which I will when the price drops.

Alright I’m off to play Aion now that the servers are back up. 2 more days until the end of Project: Blog– I still can’t believe I made it this time!

You could be happy & I wouldn’t know

Sep 27, 2009

I took this idea from Cereta because she was kind enough to let me use it.

5 Thing That Made Me Happy Today

• Naptime: Robby and I took a nap together and it was nice. Odd to be happy about it I know, but it doesn’t happen often (he’s not a napper) so I was happy when he climbed into bed with me last night.
• I woke up in our bed this morning: Most of you know that for the past few weeks I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom because Robby’s snoring has gotten so bad that I haven’t been able to sleep properly. While I don’t know what changed last night but I was able to fall asleep and didn’t wake up at all during the night to tell him to roll over or move to the spare bedroom. I loved this. It made me happy to be sleeping in the same bed with him.
• Dinner: Robby was sweet enough to make me dinner and bring it up to me while I did school work. It’s the little things I tell you.
• Kisses: Being able to kiss Robby and not feeling like it was reflex but feeling like it meant something.
• Cuddles: Cuddling with my baby and watching a movie/TV show. It’s always one of the highlights of my day.

So what made you happy today?

The one thing I learned about life; you have to fight for the things you want.

Sep 26, 2009

Last night Robby and I talked and realized we were on the same page about something for the first time in a long time. We both realized that if we continue down the path we’re on, we won’t make it and our marriage will fall apart. It was a huge awakening for both of us, more so because all of it was laid out on the table and made “real”. It hurt to realize how far we’ve come, how much we’ve grown apart, but it also felt good because it means we can now take the necessary steps to repair the rift that’s been growing between us.

Something he pointed out last night which is so true that I was stunned into utter silence:

We don’t spend nearly enough time together: And he’s right. I have this tendency of getting sucked into the computer when I get depressed or things get bad.

What this means: I need more staff members on Ecstasy. I need more hands to help out because I will not sacrifice my marriage over a message board so basically it means I won’t be around as often and I’ll need everyone who hasn’t already stepped up (thank you Vicki, Danika, and Hillary) to step up.

Some of the things I have reflected on and realized:

He doesn’t tell me how he feels ever: Unless I pry it out of him. This needs to be worked on because I feel like I’m not worthy enough for him to tell me things and it hurts.

I talked to him about this tonight and he said it’s because I’m usually already feeling bad and he doesn’t want to make me feel even worse when he divulges his feelings. I told him it hurts more when he holds on to it and I find out later– plus it feels like he’s lied to me. I hope this will make him realize it needs to change.

We’ve let the small stuff get too big: The things that don’t matter at the end of the day are the things we most often fight about– this needs to stop now. What matters is us, not who’s done this or that– but us.

I have an annoying habit of asking him to bring me stuff (food/drinks) and am unwilling to reciprocate: I need to be more mindful of this and change my attitude. I will have to say this goes hand and hand with my depression and not wanting to leave my computer, so hopefully with that change, this will follow was well.

Glad to say that I started working on this today and ever urge I had to say “no” when he asked, I fought, went downstairs and got him his drinks.

I love him so much: The thought of us not working or falling apart breaks my heart. It terrifies me and prevents me from being able to breathe.

I want this to work: No matter how frustrated I get with him or how much he disappoints me, I want this to work. I want us to get old together, to have a family together, and be happy together. I still get lost in his eyes and I will make whatever changes necessary to ensure that we work.

I feel like we’re finally headed in the right direction. I told him we need to start sweeping our minor problems under the rug so that it can turn and rear its ugly head later. We need to resolve them instead of brush them aside because it’s not helping. We’ve spent a lot of time together today which is a HUGE improvement and now we’re off to cuddle and watch Angelic Layer. I feel good about this. For the first time in a year and a half, I feel solid, and I feel we’re finally, finally changing.

I would give my life if you’d listen for just once moment; really listen.

Sep 25, 2009

Of course he’s acting like everything is okay which just infuriates me. It hurts me more to be honest because it feels like he’s ignoring the issues yet again and I’m just supposed to brush it under the rug until it rises it’s ugly head. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just so hurt by it all that I can’t even approach the subject because it kills me to open up in that manner only to be shut down. I just.. /sigh I really don’t know anymore.

He told me that his biggest fear is losing me– well honestly the direction we’re headed and is inability to want to change is pushing me in that direction. We cannot be his parents. I’m sorry but I just can’t live my life that way. Albeit things are a bit less complicated for us because there are no kids involved and right now I don’t want to involve them. I can’t be responsible for bringing children into this type of environment so as of now, I’m at a loss as to what to do because he refuses to hear, so what do I do now?