The one thing I learned about life; you have to fight for the things you want.

Sep 26, 2009

Last night Robby and I talked and realized we were on the same page about something for the first time in a long time. We both realized that if we continue down the path we’re on, we won’t make it and our marriage will fall apart. It was a huge awakening for both of us, more so because all of it was laid out on the table and made “real”. It hurt to realize how far we’ve come, how much we’ve grown apart, but it also felt good because it means we can now take the necessary steps to repair the rift that’s been growing between us.

Something he pointed out last night which is so true that I was stunned into utter silence:

We don’t spend nearly enough time together: And he’s right. I have this tendency of getting sucked into the computer when I get depressed or things get bad.

What this means: I need more staff members on Ecstasy. I need more hands to help out because I will not sacrifice my marriage over a message board so basically it means I won’t be around as often and I’ll need everyone who hasn’t already stepped up (thank you Vicki, Danika, and Hillary) to step up.

Some of the things I have reflected on and realized:

He doesn’t tell me how he feels ever: Unless I pry it out of him. This needs to be worked on because I feel like I’m not worthy enough for him to tell me things and it hurts.

I talked to him about this tonight and he said it’s because I’m usually already feeling bad and he doesn’t want to make me feel even worse when he divulges his feelings. I told him it hurts more when he holds on to it and I find out later– plus it feels like he’s lied to me. I hope this will make him realize it needs to change.

We’ve let the small stuff get too big: The things that don’t matter at the end of the day are the things we most often fight about– this needs to stop now. What matters is us, not who’s done this or that– but us.

I have an annoying habit of asking him to bring me stuff (food/drinks) and am unwilling to reciprocate: I need to be more mindful of this and change my attitude. I will have to say this goes hand and hand with my depression and not wanting to leave my computer, so hopefully with that change, this will follow was well.

Glad to say that I started working on this today and ever urge I had to say “no” when he asked, I fought, went downstairs and got him his drinks.

I love him so much: The thought of us not working or falling apart breaks my heart. It terrifies me and prevents me from being able to breathe.

I want this to work: No matter how frustrated I get with him or how much he disappoints me, I want this to work. I want us to get old together, to have a family together, and be happy together. I still get lost in his eyes and I will make whatever changes necessary to ensure that we work.

I feel like we’re finally headed in the right direction. I told him we need to start sweeping our minor problems under the rug so that it can turn and rear its ugly head later. We need to resolve them instead of brush them aside because it’s not helping. We’ve spent a lot of time together today which is a HUGE improvement and now we’re off to cuddle and watch Angelic Layer. I feel good about this. For the first time in a year and a half, I feel solid, and I feel we’re finally, finally changing.