Oct 17, 2009
This discussion actually came up with Hillary brought it up after a conversation she had with her boyfriend. She brought up the fact that there are a lot of people who currently post on Ecstasy that we’ve known for several years, which is true, and then asked if I could say that I actually cared about them and what happened to them, regardless of the fact that we’ve never met. I thought about it for a second before telling her that I did, because I had shared some of my hardest moments with these people and that they in turn had shared their’s as well. While I’m not super close with everyone, I still do care about the outcome of their lives. I share happiness when good things happen to them and sadness when not so good things happen. No, I may not know these people in real life, but I have shared their trials and triumphs and that is why they mean a lot to me. It’s was an interesting discussion to have, especially since her boyfriend couldn’t understand how we could share such a connection with those we’ve never met.
With that said, I need to try and be less closed off. I’m difficult to approach for most upon meeting me (at least I’m told) and that in large part has to do with the fact that I just don’t trust people. I’ve been through so much with those that I have trusted that it’s hard for me to be that happy go lucky teenage girl who could IM anyone and would strike up a conversation with such ease. Hah, looking back I think at how annoying it must have been to have me asking the most random questions in an attempt to get to know the person on the other side of my screen. Truth be told, though I’m sure if it had been the me now that I was contacting, the old me would annoy the hell out of me, I miss her. I miss her lack of inhibition and I miss her ability to be open and unafraid. With age comes wisdom, though that wisdom is not always a good thing.
I’ve been trying to go out of my way to be a little bit more open, but it’s hard when I find that I’m not as easily and readily willing to ask questions as I used to be. I feel as if I’m infringing on that individual’s right to privacy and secrecy and also feel that when and if they’re ready, they’ll tell me what they want without my having to “force” it out of them. I’ve changed so much in the past two years and while there are some things I’m proud of and love, there are also some things I hate and some things I wish to desperately change back. It’s just not that easy. 
Oct 12, 2009
Well we’ve been down in San Diego for 4 days now and so far I’m loving every minute of it. It’s been a blast being able to catch up with friends, relax, and not have to worry about customers who whine because they can’t have something their way. Of course this illusion is going to end eventually, tomorrow evening to be precise, but I am enjoying it while I can. Last night we went out to a karaoke bar with our friends and it was just pure hilarity. I had 2 1/2 drinks last night and that was enough to do the trick, but the best part was I couldn’t taste the alcohol AT all. 
So props to the bartender for that because apparently there was a lot of alcohol in the drinks he poured me. 
In my drinking stupor I had my good friend Brion, who’s gay, touch my boobs to tell me what he thought and he just kind of looked at me confused and said, “I don’t know what to do with them.” Obviously, that was a blow to my ego, so in order to soothe my wounded pride and also for affirmation, I went around having people grab my boobs to see what they thought. Among that group was the bartender, Russ, who then admitted that if I wasn’t married he’d do me. Robby and I got a kick of that– and I also got a free drink! ^_^ The best part is I did receive affirmation, both from men and women alike that my boobs are pretty damn awesome. My mission at that point was complete. I am such a stooge when drunk– but I had fun and so did Robby which is nice because we don’t usually go to bars (not really our scene) and I was afraid he wouldn’t have fun, but he did. =]
Tonight we are going to have dinner at our favorite restaurant, Panda Country, with friends and family. I’m looking forward to it because I love, love, love me some Panda Country. Nothing out in Arizona compares so it’s good to have some decent food. It’s the one thing I really miss about San Diego which is why I grub out whenever we’re down here. =]
On a not so great note, I was pissed to log on to our account to check our account balance and find that Massage Envy, the fucktards I’d had to deal with last month, charged our account again AFTER telling me that they would terminate the membership which should not have been activated to begin with (background)! So I had the lovely task of calling my bank and requesting that they close out my card and send me a new one. Obviously there is no guarantee the charges will not go through so if they do I will again have to get on the phone to add the charge to the claim we already have on file. I’m just tired of dealing with them and hope that this will take care of the matter and I won’t have to worry about it next month.
Alright, I’m going to catch a few z’s before we head out tonight. We are leaving tomorrow night and then resting up on Wednesday before we have to return to the working world. Really not looking forward to that. Oh well, I’m switching departments at the end of the month so I can only hope that will be an improvement, though after talking to someone who does work in that department, I suspect that won’t actually be the case. Oh well, ’tis life, we all have to make a living somehow. 
Oct 6, 2009
So the story goes on down a less traveled road. It’s a variation on the one I was old, and although it’s not the same, it’s awful close. In an ordinary fairy tale land, there’s a promise of a perfect happy end and I imagine having just short of that, is better than nothing.
“Forever & Almost Always” – Kate Voegele
My soul is breaking. Slowly but surely. Each time I think that maybe this time it’s different, maybe this time we’ll be okay, something happens to shatter my hope, my faith– in him, in us. I’m tired of hoping he’ll grow up. Tired of having him get angry about trivial shit that just doesn’t matter. I’ve had enough of that today. I just wish he’d open his eyes and see the way he acts is pushing me away. It’s making me curl up inside myself and not want to come out. It’s making me want to not be around him because he let’s something so significant, so trivial prevent him from doing something with me. It hurts. It hurts so badly that I can’t breathe. I just wish for once he’d put his frustration aside and bare it because it means doing something with me, but it seems I can’t even have that.
I’m falling apart, struggling to hold on, searching for the reasons I continue to love him, but I’m afraid as time goes on, his attitude, his inability to grow up and realize what’s important, will overshadow what I’m holding on to, what I’m fighting for. I’m afraid that one day it just won’t be enough.
Oct 5, 2009
It appears my attempt to continue to blog daily was foiled even before it began. I blame it mostly on Robby and my newest obsession (thanks to him) “Inuyasha“. It’s this Anime he’s got me hooked on that’s about a half demon, half human who wants to become a full demon using the power of a sacred jewel. Problem is the jewel was shattered into a million (if not more) pieces by a girl named Kagome, who is from the future. I’m absolutely addicted to the show and have managed to form a little crush on Inuyasha. I think it’s that whole assholish attitude though beneath he’s nothing but a teddy bear appeal that’s gotten to me. I have no idea why I find those type so attractive.
In other news, this weekend we’ll be heading out to San Diego for 5 days and I am completely thrilled. It’ll be good to see Vala and my friend Joe again because I haven’t seen either of them in forever and I’m looking forward to catching up. Plus, it will just be good to get out of Arizona for awhile and take a break from work. Speaking of work, I’m trying to see if I can switch over to e-mail permanently because I liked it much better then the phone. Plus, I prefer working the later hours, but I don’t think I’ll be switching any time soon, given that we’re able to hit our busy season and I’m sure they’ll need as many people on the phone as possible. I’m really not looking forward to it and if I seem even bitchier then normal, it’s because my bitterness has increased 50 fold. Oh well, such is life.
I’ve been playing a lot of Aion and am currently working on leveling 4 toons. What’s funny is the second toon I decided to level was a Gladiator who I fell in love with and as a result is making me hate my ranger, because of the slow class maturation rate. I do still plan on leveling her, but until she gets into the 20s, I think it’s going to be uber painful. 
Right now, I have a level 17 Ranger, 2 level 14 Gladiators, and 1 level 10 Priest. I also have a level 11 mage, but I don’t plan on leveling her any further because I find that I don’t really like the class. I know I’m strange. They’re just not for me. 
A few posts back I had mentioned my mother possibly coming to live with us. That’s still a possibility but when she arrived back to her place of residence and I called her to try and get the ball rolling she told me she would call me when she was ready and I haven’t heard from her since. My sister just texted me asking when I planned on picking her up and I replied saying I would when she called to say she was ready. My sister then responded by telling me that my mom was hesitating (duh) and that I should plan on going there on a Thursday, going to see her PO so I could give her my address, and then whisk my mom back to Arizona. I responded by asking her how my mother felt about all this and that I wasn’t entirely comfortable having her stay with us if that’s not what she wanted. Yes, it’ll be the best thing for her, but at the same time she needs to have a say, it is her life. I still haven’t gotten a response. I don’t want her to think I’m trying to get out of it because I’m not, but I just don’t feel right going to get my mother if she’s not ready. I feel like I’d be kidnapping her. Maybe I’m just being silly.
Well, I’m off to go start on the homework that I should have turned in yesterday but didn’t. I swear I’m getting lazier and lazier– this does not bode well. Maybe I should take a 2 week break between this class and the next until I get my head on straight.
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