She gets wound up; she gets higher by the minute, turns the sound up, to drown out all her pain.

Oct 17, 2009

This discussion actually came up with Hillary brought it up after a conversation she had with her boyfriend. She brought up the fact that there are a lot of people who currently post on Ecstasy that we’ve known for several years, which is true, and then asked if I could say that I actually cared about them and what happened to them, regardless of the fact that we’ve never met. I thought about it for a second before telling her that I did, because I had shared some of my hardest moments with these people and that they in turn had shared their’s as well. While I’m not super close with everyone, I still do care about the outcome of their lives. I share happiness when good things happen to them and sadness when not so good things happen. No, I may not know these people in real life, but I have shared their trials and triumphs and that is why they mean a lot to me. It’s was an interesting discussion to have, especially since her boyfriend couldn’t understand how we could share such a connection with those we’ve never met.

With that said, I need to try and be less closed off. I’m difficult to approach for most upon meeting me (at least I’m told) and that in large part has to do with the fact that I just don’t trust people. I’ve been through so much with those that I have trusted that it’s hard for me to be that happy go lucky teenage girl who could IM anyone and would strike up a conversation with such ease. Hah, looking back I think at how annoying it must have been to have me asking the most random questions in an attempt to get to know the person on the other side of my screen. Truth be told, though I’m sure if it had been the me now that I was contacting, the old me would annoy the hell out of me, I miss her. I miss her lack of inhibition and I miss her ability to be open and unafraid. With age comes wisdom, though that wisdom is not always a good thing.

I’ve been trying to go out of my way to be a little bit more open, but it’s hard when I find that I’m not as easily and readily willing to ask questions as I used to be. I feel as if I’m infringing on that individual’s right to privacy and secrecy and also feel that when and if they’re ready, they’ll tell me what they want without my having to “force” it out of them. I’ve changed so much in the past two years and while there are some things I’m proud of and love, there are also some things I hate and some things I wish to desperately change back. It’s just not that easy.