I feel forty kinds of sadness when you’re gone.

Nov 22, 2009

Today wasn’t too bad. I managed much better then I did last night, but I still miss him. It comes in waves. One moment I’m doing okay and then next minute, I feel like my heart has a huge whole in it and I can barely breathe. I hate feeling this way. It’s terrible. 9 more days until we are together again. I cannot wait. I miss him so much. Funny, you’d think given my history with my dad always gone because he was in the Navy, I’d handle this better, but truth is I think that’s contributed to my inability to handle this. That and my mother leaving when I was 11. It makes having people go away from me much harder because deep down I fear they won’t ever come back.

In any event, I’m just counting the days down and imagining what he would be doing at this exact moment. I imagine that right now he is sleeping since it’s nearly 8:00am over there and I can picture him all serene like and it helps. The pups have been sleeping with me as well, which is strange. Not so much for Diesel, but Benji normally doesn’t because he has this tendency to get in your face and it bugs me. The dog does not understand personal space so generally I don’t like it when he sleeps with me. I think that that they both sense my sadness so Benji has been doing a good job keeping his personal space and Diesel, well she’s Diesel.

In any event 9 more days until he’s home. That’s what I’m holding on to. It’s the only thing I can hold on to. I miss him so much.

I feel a little broken without you by my side, something I can’t deny.

Nov 21, 2009

I missed blogging yesterday because I was trying to spend as much time with Robby before he left. I’m a mess to say the least. I didn’t take it well at all, actually I’m not taking it well. I was doing pretty good tonight and then suddenly out of no where I just become depressed and started crying. I hate being away from him, really do. I have HUGE abandonment issues and this is not helping. I just want him to be home already so I can snuggle in his arms and be whole. Ugh, it’s going to be a very long next 10 days.

It’s starting to look a lot like Christmas; and feel like it too.

Nov 19, 2009

So it seems reading the text book and using a real life example to supplement a program (my bead crafting for instance) is helping me to understand the material better. I still have some issues and still have quite a lot of reading to do, but I plan to do that this weekend. Taking notes is also helping me a lot to because it allows me to absorb the text better. I may have to start investing in purchasing books because it’s just too expensive to keep printing out the material. Hopefully I can find cheap used books to make it more cost effective, but we’ll have to see.

Tomorrow is my last day with Robby before he leaves and I’m not happy about it. Today in general was just not a good day as I was mandated to take time off because apparently e-mail no longer needed the help, yet instead of allowing me to switch back to phones they decided it best to just tell me to go home an hour after my shift. This does not bode well. Especially considering the fact that my paycheck is going to look like shit since I took some days off voluntary and then yesterday took the time off because they were mandating and I would have rather just taken the time off myself then be told to. I know it’s weird.. but even still I got 3 hours yesterday which isn’t great, but it’s better then 1 hour. I’m just so frustrated right now. It’s not my fault they overhired for the season but now I’m being punished for it. I started looking on Craigslist for more jobs because this is just not going to cut it. I hope I hear something back soon.

As a result I won’t be able to participate in the Secret Santa exchange I had planned on Ecstasy because of this. It just infuriates me and I hate thinking about it. Tomorrow I am going to work my full shift and even they try and mandate me I am going to bitch that I have taken more than enough time off during the past two weeks and they need to mandate someone else. Doubt that will work, but still, I can hope, right?

My addiction is worse than I thought it seems.

Nov 18, 2009

So I’ve decided to avoid all things net for awhile (minus my blog, of course) while I work to bring up my grade in my programming classes. I finally sat down today and read some of the text and after using my beading as an example finally started to get it. I hope that this means I’ll be able to pull my grade up because right now I’m in pure panic mode and I don’t like it.

Tomorrow is Thursday, which makes me incredibly sad. Yes, it means I’m one day closer to the weekend, but it also means that I’m 2 days closer to Robby leaving. Boo. I also haven’t had Pepsi all day so that’s sucked. I really, really need some. Ugh.

It’s been a long hard road without you by my side and why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried?

Nov 17, 2009

Today was the first day in the class I’m taking that I wasn’t completely stumped by an assignment. Does this mean I am finally getting it? No. It just means this time they explained it in a manner that I wasn’t thinking what the fuck? Ugh, so not looking forward to the final in the class. I have a feeling I’ll end up in tears just because I’m so freaking frustrated.

Work was a bit better today since I was assigned to work on e-mails which is so much better then being on the phones. I wish I could move to that department permanently but that chances of that are slim to none. I am hoping I’ll be back in e-mail tomorrow, but sometime tells me that won’t be the case since we finished answering all the e-mails today and didn’t get a single new one. Bleh, it blows. I don’t want to go back to being on the phones, lol. Oh well, one can hope, right?

Alright, I think I’m off to watch Star Trek with Robby. Boo 4 days until he leaves. =(

To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn’t think could be real.

Nov 16, 2009

So last night I was really freaking buzzed when I posted, lol. I had almost forgotten I had until I checked it today. Oops. Those Tokyo Iced Teas are the devil, lol. I will have to make Robby show me how to make them before he leaves on Saturday. Ugh, I’m so sad about that. =( I keep telling him how I don’t want him to go, lol. It just blows, but meh I’ll manage. All I know is that means this week will fly by and next week will be slow as molasses because it’s the week he won’t be here. Gotta love how that works right?

Well, it’s official– school is kicking my ass. Well, class, rather. One class. I just don’t get it and it’s frustrating because it’s not clicking and I just want to pull my hair out and cry in frustration. This weekend I think I’m going to spend a few hours reading through the text and just trying to understand it. I hope it works because so far I am just a person with a big question mark over her head and I hate that because that is so not me. All of this just makes me want to throw my hands up and say I give up.

In other news I’m really, really taking to bead jewelry. I still have a lot to learn, but Tawni has been extremely helpful and I think with a lot more practice I’ll nail it then hopefully after that I can get back into bookbinding. I’m also really excited because Robby is letting me turn one of the spare bedrooms into a craft/photography studio so this means I can really focus on my arts. Ahh cannot wait. I really want to decorate the room to so I need to decide on a scheme!

Well, I am off to try and work some more on Ecstasy. I feel like I’m so behind and have no time for anything. I am so looking forward to 2 weeks off in December.