A New Journey Begins, Well At Least We Hope So

Apr 8, 2010

I should probably be sleeping but I’m kind of avoiding sleep because I have my OBGYN appointment tomorrow and I’m freaking out about it, so I figure the longer I delay sleep, the longer I delay the appointment. I know it’s silly but I’m terrified that I’m going to get bad news and I don’t know how I would handle that. It’s partially my fault. I haven’t had a pap smear done since I was 18, mostly because I had no insurance for it and I haven’t been to a doctor since my suicide attempt. As a result I’m sure my health has suffered for it, but I’m not sure how much and I’m afraid I’ve put it off so long that I’m going to get news that will break my heart. I just hope that’s not the case, but again, I’m a pessimist at heart so I just keep trying to prepare myself for bad news, even though I know that’s probably the one wrong to look at it.

In any event, the week has really flown by. I think in large part it’s because my mother-in-law is in town and thus we’ve been busy running around a lot. Plus, Robby and I had some great news for her and that is we’ve decided to start trying for children, hence the trip to the OBGYN. That and I still haven’t had my period, still brown discharge, but no period, unless we count that. I do plan on bringing it up with the doctor and letting her know all the pregnancy tests I’ve taken thus far have been negative. My sister thinks I could possibly be pregnant and I’m just getting false negatives, but I don’t know. There’s also a possibility that I have an ectopic pregnancy, but I haven’t had any of the typical symptoms nor have I felt any pain in my side which is characteristic of an ectopic pregnancy, so I don’t know. I suppose all of the possibilities will be narrowed down tomorrow, but again I’m still freaked out about it. *sigh*

I’m also trying to slowly cut back on my caffeine intake and then slowly remove it from my diet completely. I think not only will it be good for me but it will save us a lot of money in the long run. I don’t even want to think of how much money we spend on Pepsi, so I think this is a good move. Plus, come May, Robby and I are planning on changing our diets. I’m going to be eating more fruits and veggies and I will also be taking folic acid and calcium supplements while he tries to lose weight. All of this is in preparation for trying to get pregnant and I think in the long run as long as we stick with it, we’ll feel much better– well at least we hope so.

Okay, I suppose I’ve postponed sleep long enough. Here’s hoping tomorrow is a good day and not one that breaks me, but the only way to find out is to let sleep come and hope for the best.