Day 11: A Sister is a Little Bit of Childhood That Can Never Be Lost

Sep 30, 2010

I grew up with two sisters, though I have three. I say two, because they were the sisters who experienced the joys and the pains of our broken family the most severely¹ and understand just how traumatic our childhood was. My youngest sister whom I love so much, never got to know the pain that we endured. She never got to see our parents at their worst, which for her sake was probably better. We’re not bitter about the things we endured as children, it actually formed a bond between us and we were and are forever known as the “Greer Sisters” because of it.

The eldest of the four of us is Pamela or Pam. She was more like my dad and because of this the older she got, the more they disagreed and fought. It was to be expected, because the more qualities you have with another, the more common it is for you to dislike them².

Pam was what we referred to as the glamorous one. In same ways my sister Rhonda and I were a little envious of her for her popularity and for her beauty. And I think it large part she [Rhonda] and I always grew up thinking ourselves inferior and unpretty because Pam was often the shining star– not only amongst her friends but also amongst our parents and as a result, she [Rhonda] and I formed a closer bond as we got older, while Pam kind of did her own thing.

Our childhood together was one that I remember with sadness mixed with joy and filled with pride. We were sisters. Young and naive, but we bonded together over the commonality of our dysfunctional family. It wasn’t uncommon to see us all dressed alike and we played together a lot. The older we got though, the further Pam drifted, until finally one day she decided she could no longer live under my dad’s house and left us, the way our mom had.

We were devastated and for a long time I think we resented her for her choice, but she did what she had to and for that I cannot fault her.

Rhonda, is the next oldest. She was in every sense of the word, our mother. She cared about us so much that she sacrificed quite a lot of her life to make sure that we were taken care of. She was always there to defend us and to shield us from the things that hurt. Rhonda was our rock, even before Pam left.

There isn’t a day that goes by in which I’m not thankful to have had her become the mother, my mother never could be. She stepped up without provocation and when it wasn’t her responsibility to do so. I can only hope that when we have kids I can be the mother she was to us. She was and always will be the one person I run to when I don’t have anywhere else to run.

Jasmine, is the youngest and I think in a lot of ways the odd man out. She was born 8 years after I was and as a result, growing up she was treated as the baby, the innocent. While it’s true she didn’t grow up with a mother, I can’t help by wonder if she was better off considering the mother we had. I love her to death and she’s grown into a wonderfully capable individual, but I often worry that my dad baby’s her too much and what that could result in.

Even now I find it odd to be able to hold a conversation with her because I always flashback to her being just a little girl who was obnoxious and who I wanted nothing to do with and yet now that I’m older I appreciate her more and love her more. She’s become the jewel we all protect in some aspects because we never had that protection growing up.

I love all of my sisters dearly and my biggest fear is losing one of them. I could not fathom how I would even beging to continue with my life without their presence. Yes, we have our disagreements and yes sometimes we want to throttle each other, but I consider myself lucky because my sisters mean the world to me and I don’t think I could have gotten through the life we lived as children without them.

I don’t believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at. – Maya Angelou

1. We grew up essentially without either parent.
2. See Kristen and I.

Day 10: You Are What You Wear

Sep 29, 2010

Given that my days are generally boring and since I spend the majority at home, I often am too lazy to actually change into clothes, this might be a little difficult. I did manage to do something other than stay at home today so I guess for the most part, you’ll get somewhat of a detail explanation, though I’ll try to keep it short because honestly, who really cares about what I wear? Especially in great detail.

moving on

I started out the morning, waking up in my birthday suit, after a really horrid, vivid dream. Do not get me started on the dream, it’s pretty gross and that seems to be the census for all those who’ve heard it. Once I managed to pull my ass out of bed, I jumped into the shower which lasted about fifteen minutes and then put on a t-shirt and shorts. Shorts in the sense they’re my comfy shorts or in other words my high school gym shorts. Yes, I still fit them, then again that’s never been an issue for me.

After working for about four hours, I went downstairs for no reason I can really recall and Kristen and I realized that Trouble wasn’t acting like his usual self. I ended up walking over to see what the issue was and removed the trainer collar he had on to discover that it apparently spazzed out and started shocking him without the remote. As a result, I had to quickly change into a purple short, with some decorative design, rhinestones included and jeans and we ran over to Walmart to pick up some disinfectant, gauze and ace bandage to wrap his neck. He’s doing a bit better now, but it’s going to take some time for his neck to heal and we’ll keep changing out at the bandages along the way.

So yes, now I’m in bed, trying to quickly post this before midnight and am back in my birthday suit. I know, isn’t my wardrobe so glamorous?

Day 9: All Personal Breakthroughs Begin with a Change in Beliefs

Sep 28, 2010

I’ll be the first to admit that I really don’t have many beliefs. Do I believe in G-d? Not necessarily, but I do believe that something is out there, a higher being, what? I couldn’t describe to you, just that I know it’s there. I do believe in karma. I believe that what we do in our lives, shapes the karma that follows us. Not necessarily that what goes around, comes around, rather that our intent shapes the outcome of what we get back. Does that make sense?

For a long time I felt that I had to have a belief– more precisely I had to have belief that others recognized and then I realized as I grew older that no one else mattered. That I myself had to find a belief that I was comfortable with and accepted which is why I have a strong connection with Paganism. There are no set standards, no rules that you HAVE to follow. YOU decide what you’re comfortable with, how far you want to delve into the belief and you’re not faulted for your choice.

I belief that everyone should have a choice and no one should ever feel obligated to follow something they don’t want to because it’s what is expected of them. Men were born of freewill, those in the United States were born with the freedom to choose– are you really going to stand there and squander it because of what is expected of you? When there are countless others in the world subjected by tyranny, willing to die to be in your place?

Your beliefs should be of your choosing, so before you decide what path you want to follow, look within yourself and ask “Am I doing this for me? Or for someone else?” Your answer will tell you everything you need to know.

Day 8: The Most Important Thing in Life is to Learn How to Give Out Love and to Let it Come In

Sep 27, 2010

I don’t believe I’ve ever really talked about when Robby and I exchanged “I love yous”. I know I have on Ecstasy, but the moment has never been captured on my public blog. The moment of course is on an old Livejournal account; one that I look at and realize how much I have changed. How much the cynicism that once encircled me has faded and has instead been replaced by the love I have from a man, who while I may not deserve it, still loves me nonetheless. My moment is the moment that we said I love you, it was the day when I truly changed.

Before I begin I will preface that we were in Hawaii at the time on a short getaway to spend some time together. The following occurred as we had climbed into bed for the night and were trying to get some sleep:

Robby: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “Nothing.”
Robby: “Liar. What’s wrong?”

…. silence …..

Me: “I hate you.”
Robby: “Why?”
Me: “Because you make it hard not to fall for you.”
Robby: “What? [smiles] I don’t see how. I’m an ass.”
Me: “That’s the impression you give to other people, but I know better. You have your sweet side and I’m not the only one who sees that.”
Robby: “Who else?”
Me: “Amerlyn. You annoy her most of the time because you’re an ass, but she also knows that you can be sweet. Which is why when it comes down to it, she said if she had to pick someone for me, she’d pick you over Emilio.”
Robby: “So what’s wrong?”
Me: “….”
Robby: “You’re confused. I read your thing. You left it open.”
Me: “Which one?”
Robby: “There are multiple?”
Me: “Yes. Which one?”
Robby: “I don’t know, you left it open on your computer one day and I read it. It was the one that said you’re confused.”
Me: “Okay, that doesn’t help. Which one?”
Robby: “You mean to tell me, you wrote you were confused in more then one?”
Me: “Yes, which one?”
Robby: “The one that said you didn’t want to give in.”
Me: “Oh, probably livejournal then.”

…. silence ….
(more…)

[Guest Post] Safety First

Sep 27, 2010

Thank you Darwin for you sharing your thoughts on safety first…

There is nothing I love to do more then go out on a hike during the sunny days in Alaska. This invigorates me more then anything else and I have been embarking on solo hikes for most of my life. It started when I was a child and my parents took me hiking and escalated into the most common thing I do in my spare time. I can honestly say it is my favorite thing to do, and setting my ADT home security system to ensure my house is safe is also great.

While I am hiking I always think about safety and know that there are always dangerous things out in the wilderness. I have never been in an accident though, so I am happy about that. Eagle River is a lovely place to go hiking at because of the huge areas of hills and forests that spread out for miles. There are many rivers that can be forded and crossed in shallow areas, as well as lakes to take a swim in.

Going with my dog is something fun as well, because he gets all the exercise he needs. I take him for walks when I hike because I feel more at home with my best friend there, and he always enjoys travelling with me. Sometimes he even manages to chase some small wild animals, although he is completely harmless.

Day 7: A True Friend Never Gets in Your Way, Unless You Happen to be Going Down

Sep 26, 2010

I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to friends, especially best friends I have a poor track record. I usually end up being the only person who actually cares enough to put effort into the friendship and often bends over backwards only to find that I can never receive the same in return. As a result I’ve pretty much stopped trying to find a best friend because I recognize that my expectations of what a best friend should be or even what a friend should be is often too high… until now.

I have three amazing people in my life who I know would do anything for me regardless of what it was. They would drop everything to be there for me and lose sleep over me which is something that I have never really had. I am fortunate that these girls are in my life and even more fortunate that they felt me worthy of their friendship. I know that the prompt said to tell you about my best friend in great detail, well I’m lucky enough to have more than one– which is a first for me.

Kristen- I have known Kristen for several years and coincidentally enough we met through Robby. The meeting was love at first sight, in fact it was more like bitch at first sight and we couldn’t stand one another. There was just something about here that rubbed me the wrong way and I would go out of my way to avoid having to do things that involved her. It wasn’t until I randomly decided to add her on Livejournal and she accepted- which was a surprise- in which we started to recognize and realize why we did not like each other. We’re two peas in a pod, so to speak. We think alike, act alike, and have a lot of the same trust issues and as a result we ended up deflecting each other¹.

Once we realized what the issues was we developed a quick friendship and she’s one of the people I can just look at and know they understand what I’m trying to say. It’s kind of freaky sometimes but it’s kind of nice. We don’t need words to convey what we’re saying, we just know. I love her to pieces and am so fortunate and lucky to have her in my life².

Jennifer- I have only known Jenn for a short time but we clicked just like that. We didn’t click instantly and I think a large part of that is because she has a shy personality when it comes to new people which results in the masking of her sarcastic nature, but once we got pass that hurdle, we were pretty much attached to the hip– or AIM? She’s one of the people who understands the frustrations of married life and someone I can run to when I want to throttle Robby for doing something that drives me up the walls. I can cry at her or with her and she will just listen and isn’t afraid to tell me what I need to hear. Plus, she’s amazing in bed… oops, sorry fantasy slipped out there .

What it really boils down to is having a friend who understands despite our differences. I’m loud and confrontational, she’s amicable and diplomatic. I’m crazy and off the wall with everyone I know, she is often reserved and shy depending on who she’s with. We complement and balance each other in a way and I know she has my back no matter what.

Meeka Micah Moo Moo Choo Choo- I have also only known Mika for a short time, but she kind of stole my heart when I met her. When we first started talking, we didn’t talk much, probably in large part because I’m not a very open person with new people, but despite that I admired her for being able to jump right in to the craziness that is Jenn and I and not feel intimidated or out of place. I remember when I randomly invited her to one of our video chats- which any sane person would have declined- but she accepted and we all clicked. It’s like she completed our little circle and now it’s always Angel, Kristen, Jenn, and Mika. We are so awesome that we’re like 4 peas in a pod. You are jealous, don’t lie!

All in all, I consider myself very lucky to have found such amazing people. I’ve never been lucky in the friend department and I’ve always felt like I give more than I get, but these ladies have shown me that’s not always the case and I’m grateful for that. I love each and everyone of you and am sooo lucky to have you in my life. I hope you know that. -big wet kiss-

1. Think magnets. Same poles end up pushing apart.
2. And one of the very few females I can live without that doesn’t drive me up the wall.