Day 5: Love is the Condition In Which The Happiness Of Another Person is Essential to Your Own

Sep 24, 2010

If you asked anyone- even me- I would say I should be the last person anyone should defer to for the definition of love. I’m not going to lie and say I’m not screwed up, because honestly I am. I’m probably one of the most screwed up people you were ever met, especially when it comes to the concept of love; though I suppose anyone with the childhood I had wouldn’t be expected to really know what love is, much let define what it means to them.

For a long time I didn’t think I had the capacity to allow anyone to love me. I was too damaged, too bruised to ever put anyone through that short of mental heartache- hell through that physical and emotional heartache- and yet I did allow my first love to enter my heart, my world, but never fully because I knew deep down he would never been able to love me if he knew who I really was.

Come to find out down the line that was true– but I digress.

Love to me is not something that you can define with words. You can try, but it’s not something anyone can ever get right. Instead, what we seek to do is define what we need from another to consider their love as worthy. So rather than define something I don’t think anyone is capable of defining, I’ll instead define what it is I need from another to allow them to love me.

First and foremost, I need understanding. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m crazy and despite the fact that I like to say that girls are crazy because they are, I think I’m the dangerous type of crazy. Why do I say that? Because I can think like a guy. I know what hurts. I know where to poke and where to prod to really make it hurt, to really drive that stake home. While it’s not something I ever use, it is something that I am capable of so for someone to love me, they need to understand.

Next, I need someone who understands I am a free spirit. When I say free spirit, I mean that I will not allow anyone to tell me what to do or how to live my life. While I will have enough respect to consider another’s feelings and thoughts when I am in a relationship, I will not allow anyone to tell me how I should live my life. If you can’t do that, if you can’t understand that I’m eccentric and kind of cooky, then you can’t love me because you wouldn’t be loving me for who I am, rather what you can mold me into.

Last and most importantly, I need someone who has the capacity to forgive. I make mistakes- hell we all do- but my mistakes can be worse than most. I have a tendency to self destruct. When things get too good or too happy, my fail safe is to fuck shit up because fucked up is all I have ever known. If the first thing you’re going to do is push me away because of this tendency, then I won’t let you love me because you’ll just be another person who walked away when I needed you most.

My husband is all of these things and more. He is the first person in my life who I could lean on and know that he would never let me fall. He is the first person who held on even though I was kicking and screaming, begging him to let me go. He is the first person who looked at me and said, “I love you. Not for who I want you to be, but for who you are.”

I am fortunate that I was able to find someone who could learn my deepest, darkest secrets, see the darkness within my soul and not think any less of me for it. In all my life, I have never been lucky– that is of course until I met him.