Day 8: The Most Important Thing in Life is to Learn How to Give Out Love and to Let it Come In

Sep 27, 2010

I don’t believe I’ve ever really talked about when Robby and I exchanged “I love yous”. I know I have on Ecstasy, but the moment has never been captured on my public blog. The moment of course is on an old Livejournal account; one that I look at and realize how much I have changed. How much the cynicism that once encircled me has faded and has instead been replaced by the love I have from a man, who while I may not deserve it, still loves me nonetheless. My moment is the moment that we said I love you, it was the day when I truly changed.

Before I begin I will preface that we were in Hawaii at the time on a short getaway to spend some time together. The following occurred as we had climbed into bed for the night and were trying to get some sleep:

Robby: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “Nothing.”
Robby: “Liar. What’s wrong?”

…. silence …..

Me: “I hate you.”
Robby: “Why?”
Me: “Because you make it hard not to fall for you.”
Robby: “What? [smiles] I don’t see how. I’m an ass.”
Me: “That’s the impression you give to other people, but I know better. You have your sweet side and I’m not the only one who sees that.”
Robby: “Who else?”
Me: “Amerlyn. You annoy her most of the time because you’re an ass, but she also knows that you can be sweet. Which is why when it comes down to it, she said if she had to pick someone for me, she’d pick you over Emilio.”
Robby: “So what’s wrong?”
Me: “….”
Robby: “You’re confused. I read your thing. You left it open.”
Me: “Which one?”
Robby: “There are multiple?”
Me: “Yes. Which one?”
Robby: “I don’t know, you left it open on your computer one day and I read it. It was the one that said you’re confused.”
Me: “Okay, that doesn’t help. Which one?”
Robby: “You mean to tell me, you wrote you were confused in more then one?”
Me: “Yes, which one?”
Robby: “The one that said you didn’t want to give in.”
Me: “Oh, probably livejournal then.”

…. silence ….

Robby: “So does it help that I know?”
Me: “No.”
Robby: “Okay, well did it help when I didn’t know?”
Me: “No.”
Robby: “Okay, cause if you said it did, then I was going to say I lied.”

…. silence ….

Robby: “So why shouldn’t you fall for me? You’re my girlfriend, after all.”
Me: “It’s not so much falling, it’s how far.”
Robby: “Well what’s the problem?”
Me: “….”
Robby: “You don’t want to get screwed…?”
Me: “No, I don’t.”
Robby: “Or you don’t want to get stuck..?”
Me: “It’s not that… I hate you.”
Robby: “I prefer to look at it as the whirlpool effect. You get sucked straight in.”
Me: “Been there, done that.”
Robby: “I know.”

…. silence ….

Me: “Well… well, how do you feel about me?”
Robby: “I’m not answering that. You go first.”
Me: “But, baby, I asked you first you should answer first.”
Robby: “Well, in this case the person who asked first, should answer first.”
Me: “That’s not how it works.”
Robby: “Fine, if I answer will you answer truthfully?”
Me: “Yes. Okay, so how do you feel about me?”
Robby: “You live with me don’t you?”
Me: “Yeah.:
Robby: “Well…”
Me: “Well, what that doesn’t tell me anything.”
Robby: “If you know me, then you should know.”
Me: “Not necessarily. So how do you feel about me?”
Robby: “You’re a sex doll.”
Me: “Baby! …”
Robby: “What? That’s how I feel about you.”
Me: “You’re supposed to answer truthfully.”
Robby: “I did.”
Me: “Fine, forget it.”
Robby: “Okay. I like you, possibly love you.”

…. silence ….

Robby: “Are you going to answer now, or just ignore me?”
Me: “I’m going to answer… it’s just complicated.”
Robby: “I’m a complicated kind of guy.”
Me: “No, you’re not.”
Robby: “Okay, so I’m complicated because I’m simple.”
Me: “Something like that.”
Robby: “Well…”
Me: “I know, I’m trying to find the words.”

…. silence ….

Me: “I’m falling for you.”
Robby: “See, I don’t think that’s it.”
Me: “What do you mean?”
Robby: “I think you do, but you’re not sure that you should.”
Me: “No, that’s not it. I don’t.”
Robby: “What? Okay, fine then.”
Me: “I just mean that I could, but I’m not there yet.”
Robby: “Right.”

…. silence …. (for about 5 mintues)

Me: “I hate you.”

…. silence ….

Me: “Wow, I’m surprised you didn’t ask why.”
Robby: “Was I supposed too?”
Me: “No, I just expected you would.”

[pokes my side]

Me: “What?”
Robby: “That was my form of asking why.”
Me: “Oh.”
Robby: “Well, why do you hate me?”
Me: “Cause… you’re right.”
Robby: “I know, I’m always right.”
Me: “So you like to think.”

…. silence …. (this time for about 20 mintues, in which I spent in turmoil, fighting words that wanted to escape, but I wasn’t quite ready to say, and then finally…)

Me: “Baby?”
Robby: “Yeah.”
Me: “…. I… I love you.”
Robby: “I love you too. Feel better now?”
Me: “Yes.”
Robby: “Okay, sleepy time.”

The next conversation occurred after we had just boarded the plane to go home and my cynicism kicked yet again:

Me: “Baby, you know how I told you I loved you last night? Was your response obligatory or because you meant it?”
Robby: “This is a trap. I can smell it.”
Me: “No, it’s not. It’s clarification. I don’t want you to think just because I said it, you have to as well.”

…. silence ….

Robby: “I meant it.”