Sep 25, 2010
Day 6: Your day, in great detail
I can’t say that today was very eventful. Saturdays for me are never pleasant because I have to work and to add to that it’s usually slow so time drags on forever. Thankfully I had a book to preoccupy me and get me through the times when we hardly had any calls coming in. It always seems like Saturdays are so long and too short.
What I mean by that is they’re too long because I’m stuck working from noon until four and too short because all that time I’m wasting working results in my missing time to spend with Robby. It’s like a lose, lose situation. I can never win and it makes me sad. As is we don’t see each other that often so it pains me when I have to waste four hours of one of his days off to work.
After work, I didn’t do much but read. Robby was working on his ATV and I didn’t want to disturb him so I just let him be. We decided that instead of having to make food for dinner we were going to go out so we went to a local restaurant called Teakwood’s Tavern and Grill. It’s nothing fancy but they do have some good food and also Gyros which makes Robby happy. I ended up having the carne a sada and afterwards we headed home.
Now I’m in bed sipping on a Tokyo Iced Tea and thinking about reading some more. Robby has to finish some homework so I can’t really disturb him while he’s doing that either. I hate and love Saturdays. They mark the end of my work week but are also a constant reminder of how little time we get to spend together and that breaks my heart. 
Sep 24, 2010
Day 5: Your definition of love, in great detail
If you asked anyone- even me- I would say I should be the last person anyone should defer to for the definition of love. I’m not going to lie and say I’m not screwed up, because honestly I am. I’m probably one of the most screwed up people you were ever met, especially when it comes to the concept of love; though I suppose anyone with the childhood I had wouldn’t be expected to really know what love is, much let define what it means to them.
For a long time I didn’t think I had the capacity to allow anyone to love me. I was too damaged, too bruised to ever put anyone through that short of mental heartache- hell through that physical and emotional heartache- and yet I did allow my first love to enter my heart, my world, but never fully because I knew deep down he would never been able to love me if he knew who I really was.
Come to find out down the line that was true– but I digress.
Love to me is not something that you can define with words. You can try, but it’s not something anyone can ever get right. Instead, what we seek to do is define what we need from another to consider their love as worthy. So rather than define something I don’t think anyone is capable of defining, I’ll instead define what it is I need from another to allow them to love me.
First and foremost, I need understanding. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m crazy and despite the fact that I like to say that girls are crazy because they are, I think I’m the dangerous type of crazy. Why do I say that? Because I can think like a guy. I know what hurts. I know where to poke and where to prod to really make it hurt, to really drive that stake home. While it’s not something I ever use, it is something that I am capable of so for someone to love me, they need to understand.
Next, I need someone who understands I am a free spirit. When I say free spirit, I mean that I will not allow anyone to tell me what to do or how to live my life. While I will have enough respect to consider another’s feelings and thoughts when I am in a relationship, I will not allow anyone to tell me how I should live my life. If you can’t do that, if you can’t understand that I’m eccentric and kind of cooky, then you can’t love me because you wouldn’t be loving me for who I am, rather what you can mold me into.
Last and most importantly, I need someone who has the capacity to forgive. I make mistakes- hell we all do- but my mistakes can be worse than most. I have a tendency to self destruct. When things get too good or too happy, my fail safe is to fuck shit up because fucked up is all I have ever known. If the first thing you’re going to do is push me away because of this tendency, then I won’t let you love me because you’ll just be another person who walked away when I needed you most.
My husband is all of these things and more. He is the first person in my life who I could lean on and know that he would never let me fall. He is the first person who held on even though I was kicking and screaming, begging him to let me go. He is the first person who looked at me and said, “I love you. Not for who I want you to be, but for who you are.”
I am fortunate that I was able to find someone who could learn my deepest, darkest secrets, see the darkness within my soul and not think any less of me for it. In all my life, I have never been lucky– that is of course until I met him.
Sep 23, 2010
Day 4: What you ate today, in great detail
First off let me start off by saying having to postpone my blog until the end of the day really threw me off. I’m been doing pretty well with making my posts in the morning so I don’t forget to do it that I almost forgot to make tonight’s. Unfortunately due to the topic of the blog, I couldn’t exactly do it in the morning so it had to wait. I’m just glad I caught myself before I did something stupid– like forget.
moving on….
I’ll admit that I generally do not eat all 3 meals like I should. For awhile I had been but ever since summer started, I kind of digressed. A large part of that had to do with the fact that part of my routine was getting up around 6 in the morning, walking the dogs and then having breakfast, but the heat put a stop to that real quick. I’m considering revisiting the schedule now that it’s starting to cool down, but we shall see. I kind of enjoy sleeping in.
Anyway, today I actually managed to have all three meals, which is surprising to say the least. I suppose I was just really hungry. 30 minutes before the start of my shift, I was able to make a bowl of beef ramen which was OMG delicious. It seriously hit the spot. I know a lot of you probably think I’m strange for liking ramen, but I do. It’s a nice alternative when I do not have the time to actually make something else. True, cereal is easier but we don’t have the milk I like so that was out.
For lunch I decided to make the Lemon Garlic Chicken Over Rice featured at BrokeandHealthy.com. We had it for dinner the other night and loved it so I figured why not make it again. Plus it was relatively quick to make and I didn’t have to spend hours slaving over the stove1. For those who want something light, healthy, and fast it is definitely a recipe I recommend.
For dinner I had steak marinaded in Sauce of Awesome with baked potato. Admittedly, the meat wasn’t my favorite but the marinade managed to make it less bad. All in all, what I ate today was very fulfilling and the fact that I managed to eat 3 full meals is a plus. I should probably consider doing that more often– you know as long as my laziness doesn’t kick in beforehand.
1. Like I do that anyway.
Sep 23, 2010
Thank you Isaiah Gaines for sharing your trip to the Amalfi Coast in Italy
Wow! There is nothing quite like the Amalfi Coast of Italy. When planning our wedding, we were considering lots of locations for our honeymoon – mostly in the Caribbean or somewhere tropical. Then, we were watching directv one night and saw a documentary about the Amalfi Coast, and we were sold! The cultural aspects of Italy were intriguing, as was the international travel.
We got married in early March, so our honeymoon was going to be during the spring… which is not, as it turns out, the ideal time to be in Italy. But we made the most of it! We flew into and out of Rome, and took a train from Rome to Naples, where we were met by our own personal driver to take us to Positano. Wow! What a town! Positano is very picturesque, a town on a mountain, rising out of the Bay of Naples. The houses are stacked on top of each other as they rise up to the sky. Lots of great authentic Italian restaurants line the crooked, curvy streets. The beaches are rocky and dark, but we spent plenty of time on them, as we stared into the sea and watched Mt. Vesuvius from afar. It really is an amazing place to visit and we vowed that we would be back one day!
Sep 23, 2010
Cancer is something that we’re all familiar with, but generally we’re more familiar with certain types of cancer like breast cancer or lymphoma. Unfortunately, when it comes to other cancers, cancers that are less common, the majority of the world is in the dark. One of these cancers is Mesothelioma, a cancer I admit I had no idea existed—until now.
Mesothelioma Cancer is one of the rarer forms of cancer which develops from the protective linin that covers many of the body’s internal organs, known as mesothelium. It is usually caused by exposure to asbestos and the most common site of exposure is the outer lining of the lungs or internal chest wall.
Just knowing that such a cancer exist, even if it’s rare, makes me wonder what other cancers are out there that I’m not aware of and how to survive them. Lucky there is a book by Paul Kraus who outlived his prognosis of one year which details his struggle in surviving Mesothelioma. I’m definitely interested in finding out more not only about Mesothelioma but also about the other rare cancers that no one really focuses on. Even if it’s a cancer not many people suffer from, knowledge is power and I want to know what’s out there just in case.
Do you?
Sep 22, 2010
Day 3: Your parents, in great detail
I have never had the best relationship with my parents. In fact as a child I hardly knew them. My mother was constantly absent and my father, unable to cope with her absence succumbed to drowning his pain with alcohol.
I grew up raised by my maternal grandmother and nannies. My sisters and I are close because we only had one another to lean on and couldn’t count on our parents to be there. It’s a sad truth but one I have long since come to terms with.
When I was a child, I remember the first day of kindergarten. I was so excited, so happy. My mother did what any mother would do on the first day of school for her child- she walked me to the bus stop and saw me off. It wasn’t until later that day when I realized I was of no importance—when I realized that her friends meant more to her than I ever could.
I recall the bus pulling up and looking out the window searching for her. Eager to tell her about my day, about my teacher and about the students in my class. I looked out that window for her. I looked so hard that I think for a brief moment I imagined she was there and yet, the moment I stepped off that bus, I knew she wasn’t and it broke my heart. 
As I grew older, I learned that the only people I could rely on was myself and my sisters. I never asked my parents for things I needed– though a large part of that was a result of my mother brainwashing us into believing our dad would get so angry with us if we did. So if there was something I needed, I resulted to stealing it—from classmates, from the stores, from whoever or whatever place had it. The alternative in my eyes was worse.
Growing up is a memory that I try not to revisit. My dad eventually stopped the drinking and my mother for a time was a mother, but as with most Aquarians, she rebelled against being chained and let her friends delude her into believing she deserved more. I recall the day that she left. It’s so clear in my mind and ironically enough, even then my intuition was a force to be reckoned with.
My dad had just returned from deployment and they got in a fight because she wanted to go play Bingo and he felt that she didn’t care that he was back. In some ways she didn’t. I remember watching her walk out that door and feeling unease. Like I knew in my heart she wasn’t coming back. The next morning I was the first one to wake up and the first thing I did was look out the window to see if the car was there. It wasn’t. At the time I didn’t think much of it; I supposed I hoped that maybe she just spent the night at a friend’s.
And then my dad walked out of his room and I knew. He sat us all down and told us that my mother had just called and that she wasn’t coming back. My world shattered and I had to fight to catch my breath.
The divorce wasn’t pleasant. My mother wanted to split us up. She wanted the oldest children, but my dad fought against it. He ended up winning the custody battle but he lost in the sense that he was forced to pay spousal support and that resulted in losing our house. We moved on base and the custody agreement was that my mother got us every other weekend. At the time she was my world, my idol and every weekend that rolled around when we were allowed to see her would elate me—but as with all things, that never lasted.
She would tell us that she was coming to get us and I would pack and sit on the couch, waiting. I would wait for hours on end, until I realized that she wasn’t coming, my heart broke every time. After a while a hardness set inside me and I stopped waiting. That hardness is still inside me today.
Today, my relationship with my dad is still not that great, but it’s not terrible. While it’s not strained as it once was– years ago, it’s also not something to celebrate over. A large part of that has to do with the fact that I’m honest and he doesn’t really like to hear what he needs to be told and so our conversations aren’t very in depth or really much of anything, if I’m honest.
I love my dad. I love him for the man he is and his strength in raising my sisters and me. He has his faults, but at the end of the day, he fought for us when he didn’t have to and I respect him for that. Most men would have walked away– my dad was not that man.
My mother is—well she’s my mother. I’m no longer angry for the things she did but I haven’t forgiven her entirely either. I have to come to accept who she is and as a result have resolved never to trust the words that come from her mouth, but I do still love her, even if that’s not something I’ll readily admit.
I believe my parents did the best they could do with us, given their circumstances. I know my dad tried his best. He tried to do right by us and I know he loves us very much, even if it’s only in the way he knows how.
That still doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t break each time I see a mother and her daughter laugh together or a father run to his daughter’s side when she is lost and doesn’t know what to do and help to guide her. That still doesn’t mean that I’m not envious of the relationships others have with their parents, but I guess we can’t have it all—but looking back on my past, I wonder if I ever really had anything.
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