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#reverb10: Dec 19 – Healing
Dec 19, 2010
December 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)
If I’m honest, I don’t think anything has and to be frank, I think I’m probably worse off emotionally than I was in 2009. There’s a lot that contributes to this. Most of the time I feel alone and like I’m drowning because no matter what steps I take to try and get better, to do better I feel like it’s not enough. I feel like I’m not enough and most recently I feel like an utter failure. I know it’s silly to think that I can do everything on my own, especially with this particular issue, but I should be able to, damnit. As unrealistic as that sounds, I should. I guess in more ways than one, I count on myself to be superwoman just as much as those around me, but the thing is I’m not and when I’m hit with that reality, I don’t deal well, I’m not dealing well.
I can’t say I will be healed next year. It’s going to take a lot of change from someone in particular to help in that process, but I can say that I have noticed a change in my behavior. I’ve stopped holding it in. I’ve stopped worrying about hurting his feelings by telling him exactly what I think, because you know what, he damn sure doesn’t care about hurting me– I don’t know if I should laugh at my freedom or cry at the realization that the respect I deserve, isn’t the respect I’m given.
