I Was Afraid to Love You; Now I Am Afraid to Lose You

Apr 26, 2011

I am a proud woman. Always have an always will be. It is a trait that runs deep within my family and is dangerous amongst our kind as we tend to refuse to swallow our prides and admit when we’re wrong. This is how you know we care. How you know we love you; when we are able to swallow our pride, show our weakness and say, “I was wrong.”

The same goes with fear and worry. We aren’t prone to showing these emotions. It’s not something the Greer’s do so when we do, you should know that the love we have for you runs deep, really deep.

This past week has really allowed me to evaluate my feelings for the man I am committed to. We’ve had our ups and downs, our bumps in the road, some so big it’s a surprise that we’ve survived them and yet, despite our differences, our issues, our doubts, the moment I thought I might lose him is the moment when I realized that I have always loved him. Even in the moments when I thought my feelings had changed and the dark times in our life when I was sure it was over. I love that man more than he probably knows and more than I have the capacity to show– at least not in the way most people would understand, so I show it the best way I know how, through worry, through fear and through weakness because I trust and love him enough to know he wouldn’t take advantage of that, of me.

I can say that there has been a marked improvement since last week, however I still worry and I’m still fearful. The chest pain while no longer constant returns occasionally and it seems he can’t exert himself too much¹ or the pain returns. The fact that no one knows what is causing it, worries me. I can’t fight what I can’t see and I am terrified. That’s not something that is easy for me to admit but that’s the truth. I smile at him and kiss him and hold him like everything is okay but internally I’m struggling not to yell and scream at the cardiologist demanding that he figure it out. I don’t like unknowns, I don’t like what ifs, and I don’t like feeling helpless– you can imagine just how much this it taking a toll on me. Sleep to say the least has been restless at best. I find no matter how much I sleep, I’m exhausted and recently I’ve taken to doubling up on my reading as a means to escape that which I cannot fight.

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m glad he’s doing better. Relieved in some part that the pain has receded but frustrated and angry that I cannot heal him completely and even more so at the fact that we have no idea why it’s happening or what’s causing it.

What I do know is this: I have never in my life felt as strongly for any man or person as I have for him and no matter the outcome, whatever this blight is that has struck our lives, I will fight with everything I have and never give up. We will make it through, there is no other option.

I Get Flowers Are Tradition– But Money Would Be Better

Apr 26, 2011

The other day I was talking to Kristen about the tradition of sending flowers when someone is in the hospital and how I didn’t understand it. Robby mentioned that flowers were pretty and bright which is nice and all, but honestly…? I think most people in the hospital would prefer money. I mean let’s face it– hospitals aren’t cheap and in the long run what benefit will flowers from Little Rock flower delivery be? Exactly.

Maybe it’s a selfish mindset to some people but honestly, I think it’s a logical one. I mean wouldn’t it be better to give something that might be of use to the person, rather than something that will eventually wither and die? If you think about it, it’s kind of insensitive to send something like that to someone in the hospital. Kind of foreboding no? Yes, I recognize that I am too cynical for my own good, but I’m just saying, logical money makes the most sense. Flowers not so much. Who wants to be reminded that they might wither away and die? No one. At least no one sane, in my opinion. So I guess what I’m saying is if I ever end up in the hospital– skip the flowers and if you can’t send money, that’s fine too, but for the love do not send me flowers, lol.

The World Stopped- I Didn’t Know What to Do

Apr 21, 2011

I can tell you with almost 99.9% absolute certainty that this week has been one of the most frightening, hellish weeks I have every had to experience. It took every ounce and measure of strength I had to not break down into a dribbling mess of tears and nerves.

Flashback to Monday afternoon. Everything is fine right? Well at least I assume it is, until I receive a phone call from Robby which went something like this:

Him: Do we have $200 in the checking account?
Me: Why?
Him: Okay do we have $500?
Me: Why? What’s wrong?
Him: Well, I just left urgent care because I was experiencing chest pains and I—
Me: What do you mean you just left urgent care? Baby, why didn’t you tell me?
Him: Well, I didn’t want to worry you until I found out what was wrong.
Me: Baby, I am going to BEAT your ass! How would you have felt if I had done that to you?! You should have called me!
Him: I didn’t want you to worry and it’s different with you.
Me: No, it’s not.
Him: Well, the doctor said he didn’t think it was anything serious but if it was his brother or sister, he’d tell them to go to the ER. I tried looking for one but I couldn’t find one. So do you think I should go? Do we have the money?
Me: The money is in the USAA account and how are you feeling?
Him: Well, I have a fever and I just want to go home and sleep.
Me: Okay so there isn’t one in the area?
Him: Well I just found one a few miles from where I am.
Me: Go to the ER.
Him: Okay. I’ll talk to you later, I love you.
Me: I love you too.

Least to say I was PISSED. What is it with men and their ass backwards way of thinking? In any event, he spent about 7 hours at the ER and we were under the impression that night that he was going to be sent home because when the ecg machine spit out the results of his EKG, everything appeared normal. The last batch of testing was the CT scan and we all thought it would come back fine.

We we wrong.

The CT results revealed a cyst on his heart and the doctor thought he might possibly have an infection in his heart, so they admitted him because they wanted him to talk to the cardiologist in the morning. By that point obviously I’m trying not to freak out and we stopped by to see him and he looked like crap.

We got home that night and I cried myself to sleep. Not silent tears but a choking, desperation that he needed to be okay cry. Least to say, I slept terribly and woke up the next morning feeling as if I had not slept at all.

Tuesday rolls around, he talks to the doctor and they give him more information, advising that fluid has built up around his pericardium and they have two options they can treat with antibiotics and discharge him or they could operate and send him home with antibiotics. Either way the surgeon had not decided and it wasn’t until a few minutes after Kristen and I arrived that the surgeon came in to see him.

He ended up deciding against the surgery because Robby wasn’t displaying the usual symptoms that result in chest pain due to a build up of fluid around the heart. He wasn’t gasping for breath, the veins in his neck weren’t enlarge and he “looked quite comfortable” according to the surgeon, so surgery was ruled out, however they decided to keep him another night for further observation.

Obviously, I’m relieved but still worried considering this means we have absolutely NO idea what is causing his chest pain. Wednesday rolls around and I get a text from Robby telling me he’s more than likely getting discharged. Several hours later I get another text telling me he has bad news and he may end up staying another night because the cardiologist failed to inform his nurses and his physician that he intended on doing a angiogram which means Robby wasn’t supposed to eat– which he had been.

Around 6pm, I get another text from Robby asking if we could get him at 8pm. Apparently they were able to do the angiogram and a cardiac catheterization which put his right hand out of commission for the next several days. They didn’t find anything abnormal other than mild carditis which still does not account for the chest pain.

He’s home now and still in pain, though not as badly as he was before. He is due in for a follow up in 2-4 weeks, but again the issue is not finding the underlying cause of his chest pain. As it stands he is on pain killers but that obviously isn’t a long term solution to the problem. So yes, this week has been incredibly stressful and while I’m relieved that he’s home, I’m still worried about his condition and I hate that we can’t figure out what’s causing it.

So now it’s Thursday night and I’m struggling to keep my eyes open due to pure exhaustion. I’m not sleeping well because I’m worried so I’m waking up every few hours in a panic, thinking he needs me. Thankfully my mother in law will be in town on Saturday so I can at the very least get some rest. I’m running ragged and it’s taking everything in me to keep pushing forward.

I’m praying to the Goddess that he recovers and the inflammation in his heart is the cause of his chest pains because this means the medication he’s taking (anti-inflammatory) will remedy the problem. If it doesn’t, I honestly don’t know what we can do. No one knows what is causing his pain and I don’t know how much longer I can push myself like I have been, though ultimately it doesn’t matter because he needs me.

Tis the Season for Dehumidifiers

Apr 16, 2011

I’m not one to get sick very often¹, but I do have the bad case of allergies during two distinct parts of the year. When it shifts from fall to winter and when we shift from winter to spring. This is usually when you’ll hear me sneezing the most and if I don’t take something to help combat the allergies, then I usually end getting sick and being miserable.

One option suggested for my particular issue was to invest in a Santa Fe dehumidifier. Now, here’s the thing. I’m all for anything to help stop potential allergies, but at the same time I don’t want to buy something I’m not sure will work, you know?

I wish I had a friend or family member who could loan me their dehumidifier for a short time, just so I can try it out and make sure it actually works before taking the plunge and spending that case. I suppose for the time being I can stick to the tried and true Benedryl. Despite the drowsiness it causes², it gets the job done. I’d rather stick with something I know works than be stuck with something that doesn’t. Know what I’m saying?

Friday Tunes: In My Pocket

Apr 15, 2011

I will be the first to admit that when Mandy Moore first came out as a recording artist, I lumped her in with all the latest pop divas (Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera). In fact her first album for me fell short when compared to the two pop divas that hit the airwaves a little before she did. Mandy herself even admits that her first album is something that she isn’t proud of and that she was just going with the flow:

“I was just told to show up and what to sing … that was late-‘90s pop music for you. I found myself in the company of Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, who had really quality music, much more so than mine was. I’m sure there are people scratching their heads, going, ‘Wow, how is she still around?’”

-Mandy Moore

As a result, i was completely put off by her and honestly did not expect much when her second album hit the airwaves, though I was pleasantly surprised after the fact. Moving forward her albums continue, in my opinion, to get better and as an artist, I appreciate her talent and her skill over those of Christina and Britney¹.

Mandy Moore is someone who I have come to admire for her resilience and her desire to be something different than what she was labeled when she first hit the scene. In My Pocket, I feel is a good demonstration of the raw talent she has and is still to date, one of my favorite songs.

[Chorus]
Nothing but pennies in my pocket
Nothing but faith to keep me warm
Well, baby, then I would be broke without it
Tell me, how much for your love
Slip my heart in your back pocket
All I got to keep you warm
So baby don’t leave me here without it
Tell me, how much for your love

Hoping the melody will leave you
You walk to where I might not see you
Reach out to the wind
Looking to catch it for a minute
But just to hold it not be in it
I’ve been where you’ve been
Cause some how I’m so afraid the love
Will reveal what you’re made of

Nothing but pennies in my pocket
Nothing but faith to keep me warm
Well, baby, then I would be broke without it
Tell me, how much for your love
Slip my heart in your back pocket
All I got to keep you warm
So baby don’t leave me here without it
Tell me, how much for your love

Cause somehow I’m so afraid the love will reveal what you’re made of

We Help When & However We Can

Apr 15, 2011

Last week had been really stressing for us. Not directly but in how the government shut down would have affected the people we love. When we heard about the possible shut down the first thing I did was call my sisters to offer emergency assistance if they needed it.

We don’t have much but we do what we can, when we can. I am really glad though that the shut down didn’t happen because despite the fact my sister never would have admitted it, we are proud people and asking for help is hard for us.

So what about everyone else. Do you offer help when you can?