Confessions of a Self Saboteur: You Can Do Better

Apr 5, 2011

I deserve to be happy… right? I will admit that this is a question that I continually ask myself and if I want to be honest, while some of my relationships have ended because of people who treated me badly, a lot– okay most of them have ended because of me.

How you ask?

I’m a self saboteur.

Somehow I got it into my head that I don’t deserve to be happy or that people deserve better. Whether it’s a romantic or platonic, if things are going well, something in me snaps and I end up sabotaging the relationship. A lot of that though, I’ve come to find is my sub-conscious testing the people in my life. Will they call my bluff or walk away? Sad to say most have walked away– but really who could blame them?

I went through a similar trial with Robby– except he did something a little unexpected, he made me decide what was and wasn’t worth it. I’d never had someone do that to me and it threw me for a loop¹ and yet here we are, nearly six years later. I won’t lie and say we don’t have our issues– I mean what couple doesn’t? But I can truthfully admit that things could have ended a little differently for us if I’d let my pride get in the way²

Now today I face the same dilemma with a friend that means more to me than she knows. And while it may seem like I’m lashing out at her for something that she’s done, the truth is, it’s my self destructive nature– kicking in full force. Things were good, too good and my sub-conscious freaked and I did something that I have NEVER done with a friend before. I lost it. I yelled, I screamed, and I cried out my frustration and in that moment when the words came tumbling out of my mouth I just knew we were done.

I thought, “Well, you’ve gone and done it again, Angel. You’ve pushed one of the best things that has every happened to you right out of your life. I hope you’re happy.” And just as easily as that thought came, she surprised me. Rather than hang up the phone and run from the deranged lunatic I’d just become, we continued our conversation, both screaming and crying and recognizing³ that this is what we needed. We needed to not be so damn perfect all the time. We needed to be able to yell and scream and cry at one another without fear that that would mean the end of our friendship. We needed to know that we could be the people are, fully and totally, without fear or worry that it was just too much for the other to handle.

And so when we hung up, I was happy, surprised, and relieved.

But then the doubts slipped in.

My sub-conscious once again playing tricks on me and making me over analyze the words in the conversation, making me wonder if maybe I’d cried victory a little too early.

The truth is, I’m a mess. To the world looking in, I seem like I have it all together, like nothing fazes me and I’m this strong, tough, no-nonsense type of girl who won’t stand for anyone’s bullshit.

The truth is, that’s all a lie.

I hurt easily. I doubt myself so much that I think my husband deserves someone better and I constantly think that my best friend is probably better off without me.

I don’t sit here and think about how awesome I am and how people are lucky to have me as a wife, a friend, etc– most often than not, I sit here and wonder when the day will come when they all realize that they can do better.

After all, that’s the one thing my mother taught me– that she could⁴.