I Was Afraid to Love You; Now I Am Afraid to Lose You

Apr 26, 2011

I am a proud woman. Always have an always will be. It is a trait that runs deep within my family and is dangerous amongst our kind as we tend to refuse to swallow our prides and admit when we’re wrong. This is how you know we care. How you know we love you; when we are able to swallow our pride, show our weakness and say, “I was wrong.”

The same goes with fear and worry. We aren’t prone to showing these emotions. It’s not something the Greer’s do so when we do, you should know that the love we have for you runs deep, really deep.

This past week has really allowed me to evaluate my feelings for the man I am committed to. We’ve had our ups and downs, our bumps in the road, some so big it’s a surprise that we’ve survived them and yet, despite our differences, our issues, our doubts, the moment I thought I might lose him is the moment when I realized that I have always loved him. Even in the moments when I thought my feelings had changed and the dark times in our life when I was sure it was over. I love that man more than he probably knows and more than I have the capacity to show– at least not in the way most people would understand, so I show it the best way I know how, through worry, through fear and through weakness because I trust and love him enough to know he wouldn’t take advantage of that, of me.

I can say that there has been a marked improvement since last week, however I still worry and I’m still fearful. The chest pain while no longer constant returns occasionally and it seems he can’t exert himself too much¹ or the pain returns. The fact that no one knows what is causing it, worries me. I can’t fight what I can’t see and I am terrified. That’s not something that is easy for me to admit but that’s the truth. I smile at him and kiss him and hold him like everything is okay but internally I’m struggling not to yell and scream at the cardiologist demanding that he figure it out. I don’t like unknowns, I don’t like what ifs, and I don’t like feeling helpless– you can imagine just how much this it taking a toll on me. Sleep to say the least has been restless at best. I find no matter how much I sleep, I’m exhausted and recently I’ve taken to doubling up on my reading as a means to escape that which I cannot fight.

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m glad he’s doing better. Relieved in some part that the pain has receded but frustrated and angry that I cannot heal him completely and even more so at the fact that we have no idea why it’s happening or what’s causing it.

What I do know is this: I have never in my life felt as strongly for any man or person as I have for him and no matter the outcome, whatever this blight is that has struck our lives, I will fight with everything I have and never give up. We will make it through, there is no other option.