Hope Never Abandons You; You Abandon It

Mar 26, 2011

30DoT – Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I think we all have thoughts like these at some points in our lives. Life after all isn’t perfect and we certainly wouldn’t be human if we were always happy– the darkness, however scary is a part of who we are. It’s a part of life and something that should be embraced and acknowledged so we have the capacity to deal with it before it pushes us a little too far.

I wish I had known this 7 years ago. Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have ended up in the hospital with a father whose concern was that I had shown just how weak I was.

I spent the majority of my youth holding my emotions inside. I would smile even if all I wanted to do was break down and cry. I would laugh when inside I wanted to scream out in agony. I spent so much time working on my outward appearance to assure those around me I wasn’t weak that the day it all came tumbling out, it was too much for me to bear and I ended up in a place I never thought I would.

At the age of eighteen I attempted to end my life. In hindsight, I recognize that it was selfish and stupid of me but in that moment all I could think about was how much it hurt and how much I just wanted it to stop. There was no realization or sudden knowledge that I’d be leaving behind those that I loved and hurting them in the process. There was no sudden outburst of memories and emotions that invoked so much within me that the only option I had was to stop. No. Instead, all there was pain. Wave after wave of a paralyzing darkness that spun me so far down I wasn’t able to climb out again.

The events of that night thought me some of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn in my life. Yet at the same time they also taught me some of the most important ones. Emotions are there for a reason. We feel as we feel for a reason. We think as we think for a reason and displaying those thoughts or feelings isn’t a sign of weakness rather it’s a sign of strength.

I spent much of my life believing I was strong; in 24 hours I realized I was wrong; in 7 years I learned being strong isn’t about what you can hold in rather it’s about what you let out.

I’ve let out a lot.

Every Man Dies– Not Every Man Really Lives

Mar 25, 2011

30DoT – Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

I can’t really say that there is one specific reason that I’m still alive today. I can say that there are several reasons why I shouldn’t be. I’ve had a rough childhood, maybe not as rough in comparison to others, but still hard for a child to endure.

I grew up loving a mom so much and shattering completely upon the realization that she didn’t feel the same.

I grew up with a father while now sober, spent his nights drinking away his misery.

I grew up not with the loving, gentle hand of my parents but with the loving, gentle hand of nannies and my maternal grandmother.

Do I wish things had been different for me?

Yes and no.

Yes, because for an instant it would be nice to know what a family feels like. It would be nice to know what a mom who actually cares feels like and it would be nice to have some semblance of a relationship with my dad that isn’t beyond the standard formalities.

I often look at Kristen and Jenn and envy the relationships they have with their parents. Relationships that I never had with mine, not even one of them.

No, because all the things I went through in my past have made me who I am today. Strong in some ways, weak in others. But even still it is me.

I have my flaws. I’m often intolerant of some things. I am stubborn, bitchy, and anal. More often than not, I think my way is better– that is until someone comes along to prove me otherwise¹ and then my views change.

While these things alone aren’t the reasons as to why I’m alive today, combined, along with other aspects of my life have helped significantly; but what has helped me the most are my sisters, my husband, and my friends. They gave me a shoulder to cry on when that shoulder couldn’t be my parents’. They gave me a place to run to when home wasn’t home.

My sisters who understood all too well the turmoil I felt as they’d endured the same. My friends who offered a listening ear because while they may not have understood, they still empathized with my pain. My husband who loved me, despite the flaws and the obvious weaknesses in my character.

These people have shaped me in their own ways. They became the parents I never had and each of them have shaped the course of my life; affected the outcome of the person who types this today. So I’m not alive today solely because of my resilience, strength, or sordid history, I’m alive today because of the people who never gave up on me. I’m alive today because of the voids they filled in a space that could only be filled by a mom and dad. I’m alive today because of YOU².

Music Speaks What Cannot Be Expressed

Mar 24, 2011

30DoT – Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

1. You Get Me – Michelle Branch: Most who know me know that I’m odd and strange and special and despite all that, Robby gets it. He gets me and I love him for it.
2. That’s When I Love You – Aslyn: This song has ALWAYS reminded me of him because he does some stupid, silly stuff and despite all that I love him even more when he does. Strange, I know but I can’t help it, lol.
3. Mine – Taylor Swift: This is very reminiscent of my childhood. My parents didn’t have a great relationship. My mother left when I was eleven and I never really believed that someone could love you unconditional. I believed that people left at the earliest sign of trouble and lived my life that way. But Robby proved me wrong and honestly? He is the best thing that has ever been mine, corny or not.
4. Bless the Broken Road – Rascal Flatts: This is close to me because I went through A LOT before I met Robby and we went through equally as much during the time we were together. It wasn’t always perfect but every single step we’ve taken has lead us to where we are and I am so grateful for that.
5. Fearless – Taylor Swift: I loved this song from the moment I heard it and it’s very reminiscent of our relationship. I was so afraid to fall in love but he took my hand and plunged head first without fear. I love him for it.
6. I Have Nothing – Whitney Houston: This is pretty self explanatory in my opinion.
7. Because You Loved Me – Celine Dion: Our relationship has done wonders to change me for the better and I am so grateful for that.
8. 40 Kinds of Sadness – Ryan Cabrera: I’m a mess when he’s gone. I can’t sleep and there’s an ache when he’s not with me.
9. I Knew I Loved You – Savage Garden: Again pretty self explanatory. He and I just fit.
10. If You Asked Me To – Celine Dion: When we first met I was pretty down on love. I had no intention of falling in love again but he kind of asked me to. Not aloud, but in his own way and I don’t regret that he did.

Those Who Danced Were Thought to Be Quite Insane by Those Who Could Not Hear the Music

Mar 23, 2011

30DoT – Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

To be honest this question is really preemptive for me. I’m only 25 years old so I think I still have quite some time before I can truly answer it. I suppose I could say I wish I had enjoyed my teenage years more but to be honest, I like my teenage years. Sure, I didn’t do a lot of the crazy things that others did, the partying, etc but in the long run I think if I had I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Some think that perhaps I should have dated more before getting married and maybe I should have. But to be honest, I like that I didn’t crave attention so much that I felt the need to seek out so many relationships. I’m not saying those who did do that, craved attention, I’m just saying that in my case, I was just never the dating type.

So to answer this prompt– this question will have to be re-evaluated at a later date. Perhaps when I’m 70, I’ll revisit it but for now? Well, there’s still a lot of time I have left and I can’t answer a question when I don’t know exactly what I will and won’t do in my future so I guess we shall see.

Protected: A Man’s Errors Are His Portals of Discovery

Mar 22, 2011

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A True Friend is One That Overlooks Your Failures & Tolerates Your Success

Mar 21, 2011

30DoT – Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

This is pretty obvious in my opinion. A no brainer if you will. I’d go to her. I’d call her husband ask how she is and what the status is and if he needed me to do anything. No fight is worth holding a grudge over when the health of my best friend is in jeopardy. Plus there’s the fact that we’d have probably already resolved the issue previously and are no longer annoyed with each other, lol.

But yes, I don’t care what might have happened. If I were to get wind that she was in an accident, I would be calling everyone possible to get a status update and if I couldn’t reach anyone, I would be on the first plane out to Fort Worth, TX in the midst of calling as many hospitals as I could to find her.

Simply put, I love her to pieces and it doesn’t matter what she might have done to piss me off– none of that would matter and honestly none of it matters at the end of the day, accident or not. I luff her and it’s as simple as that.