Jan 8, 2012
I’ve been fairly absent the last few weeks and while I could blame it on my busy life, which is certainly a factor, I have to admit that the internet is just no longer the same place for me. What I used to have interest in has waned and I have no desire to participate in some of the activities that made the internet so entertaining and exciting for me. I think in a sense I’ve kind of grown past a lot of the activities I once thought I would never be able to live without. Forums no longer hold an appeal for me and I find that I’m not as interested in sharing parts of my life as I once was. In a sense, blogging now is what it once was and should have always remained: therapy.
It’s serves as an outlet to deal with and perhaps also deconstruct what I’m not capable of doing out loud. It provides a place for my thoughts, however dark or insecure and yet in a lot of ways it is serves somewhat as a sanctuary, though I am still hesitant to share the deepest parts of myself for fear that it will be used against me. Last weekend we cleaned out the garage and I ended up stumbling on a journal I kept in my youth. Reading through the pages made me realize just how much I have changed and how much I have grown. I was such an angry and hateful youth that I often wonder how I managed to become the person I am today. I suppose a lot of that was based on trial and error– both in my relationships and the decisions I made which have lead me to where I am now.
Life has been nothing but a journey for me. I’ve made friends and lost them. Fallen in and out of love and have constantly changed and grown both in good and bad ways. I’m becoming more responsible in my decisions and of what I expect when and if I should ever raise a family. I’ve come to accept in some measure that I may never have the opportunity and rather than feel sad or depressed about it, I recognize that could be the cards that I am dealt.
The hey to life is perhaps not to try and control it, rather to instead to react as best as you can to whatever it throws your way.
Aug 9, 2011
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Feb 14, 2011
I don’t give a damn anymore.
While I am honest with family and friends, I do have this annoying habit of not saying something (or sugar coating the hell out of it) if I think it might hurt or offend someone. I only do this with people I care about though– everyone else can pretty much suck my proverbial dick and generally gets the truth no matter how harsh, cruel or offensive.
The problem that I’ve discovered by doing this, is that I end up taking a lot of crap that I shouldn’t have to take. I let people step on me and use me and I will just hold my tongue and bitch to Robby, Kristen, Jenn or Mika… which allows me to vent and let off some steam but in the long run doesn’t help either party.
So as of today– well really yesterday, I’m done. No more holding back or biting my tongue when it comes to what I actually think or feel, unless the only way I can express those feelings/thoughts are with the use of lots of expletives, because let’s face it, it’s one thing to be honest, it’s other thing to be downright bitchy and cruel.
So if I consider you a friend, family or even someone that I genuinely care about, whom in the past I would bite my tongue, no more. If you don’t like it then leave. Take me for what I am or don’t take me at all.
Dec 28, 2010
December 28 – Achieve. What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today. (Author: Tara)
-http://www.reverb10.com
The thing that I would like most to achieve next year is to start a family. I imagine that I’ll be overjoyed and excited and nervous all at the same time. I think I’ll probably be in a state of shock for awhile before adjusting to the idea that I’m going to be a mom but I think for the first time in my entire life I actually think I’ll make a good one. I always feared that would not be the case given how I was raised but now I feel differently and I want to do one thing perfect in my lifetime– preferrably two, but I would settle for one.
I’m not sure I am able to experience all those emotions today– no matter how much I brainstorm. Just talking to first time moms, it’s not a feeling that you can replicate because it’s one like any other you can experience, but you know what? If I could just experience it once, I’d be happy. Here’s to the New Year. 
Dec 4, 2010
I didn’t get the chance to blog about this because I’ve been busy with work and school but we put the tree up! I actually put it up the day after Thanksgiving as I figured it was in my best interest to be proactive about it instead of waiting until last minute and then not wanting to do it– and I am pleased with the results. Though honestly we actually had to take it down and put it back up again because it crooked and unstable but the final result is fab! I love my tree, I love the colors we settled on and just the overall feel of it. It’s funny because you’d think we’d spent so much money on decorations and such but we didn’t. We ALWAYS take advantage of the post-Christmas sales when it comes to decorations and wrapping paper, bows, etc so everything is very, very costly for us. Definitely recommend it to those who want to increase the amount of decorations they have and not to spend a ton on wrapping paper, bows, etc.
Anyway, I am pretty much finished with my Solstice shopping. I have one more present to get Robby which I will get him on Tuesday and then after that it’s just a waiting game for all the other gifts I got to come in. I still have to send a gift out to a close friend of mine and I’ll probably have Robby stop by the post office to do that on Monday or sometime next week and I also have to get a gift for my little sister, but I already know what it’s gonna be so I’m not too worried about that. I’m pretty ecstatic about everything that I got and everything I got others. It’s just a nice feeling to be able to do something for someone else. I guess I just like the feeling of gratitude I get when I give something to someone who doesn’t expect it. It’s great.
On another note I plan to attempt Gingerbread cookies this year again. Last year didn’t go so well and I think it’s because the recipe I had sucked. The recipe I’m using this year I pulled for FoodNetwork.com so I’m hoping that yields better results. If you have your own gingerbreakd cookie recipe that works well for you, please share it with me! I want to be able to successfully make gingerbread cookies without hiccups this year, wish me luck!
Anyway without further ado… here is our tree!
Nov 23, 2010
I have to apologize to you all for having not taken the time to write an actual entry that is not private1, however life of late has been quite busy. I was promoted at work and as a result my life has become pretty much work and school. I do what I can on the side when it comes to paid blogging because well I get paid to do it, but as far as actual posts, they’re few and far between2.
On top of that, I don’t really have much to write about. I can’t really go into the details of work publicly so that’s out, school is… well school and my life well it’s encompassed work and school so my topics are limited. I do have to admit that finally AFTER forever I am excited about Thanksgiving. It took awhile for me to get there this year which is odd because I love Thanksgiving. It’s my second favorite holiday but this year I just wasn’t feeling like it was the holidays which is weird given that last year I was super depressed and now this year I was just like meh.
In other news, Robby finished his last course and so he will soon be receiving his Bachelor’s in Psychology. I hate it but I’m proud of him at the same time, lol. Hate him because he’s done and I still have a ways to go but damn proud that he did it because I knew he could! Plus this really opens up the possible kid front, but if I’m honest I don’t think either of us have the time right now. Would I love to start a family? Absolutely. But I’m realistic and I don’t want to commit to something that we can’t really fully commit too. If I have kids I want to be able to have the time for them and I want to make sure Robby does as well. Right now, neither of us do. We’ll see what the new year’s brings, I guess. *shrugs*
1. This is why you should subscribe!
2. Obviously
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