Somehow When I’m With You, I Never Get Burned

Aug 23, 2010

If I’m truly honest with myself, which I admit I have the tendency not to be– I’m depressed. I’m not unhappy with my life per say, but I guess finding out that there are more than two couples in our lives, one of which’s wedding we attended a few months before ours, are going through a divorce is a downer. It hits me hard. Harder than I thought possible, but I guess it’s like a constant reminder of what I almost lost. What we almost lost.

I’m trying not to let it affect me. Trying to barrel through and let it roll off me, but it’s not easy. For most who know me they know that I’m not gun hoe about marriage and never was (thank you mom and dad). In fact I wasn’t the one who wanted to get married or even broached the subject of marriage first; Robby was. And I’m not saying I regret it or that I didn’t want it because I don’t and I definitely did (otherwise I wouldn’t have said I do) but seeing the people in my life who’s weddings I went to or people close to me decide it’s just not working; well a piece of me breaks because honestly that could be us or anyone for that matter. Nothing is promised, as much as we’d like to think otherwise, but I’m not naive.

I know I shouldn’t be afraid, that I should not have doubts or be fearful that we may end up on that same windy path, but I can’t help it. It’s just one of those things that you can’t help let affect you, because it tends to make you realize that even the ones you thought would last forever are often the ones who don’t.

All in all it’s been a very emotional month, especially for an empath who tends to feel more even when those actually involved, don’t feel anything. My heart aches for what was loss but I of all people know that staying in a relationship that you’re unhappy with isn’t right and isn’t fair to the other party. I just hope that whatever happens to be in the water for the month of August skips us, because while I’m quite certain we won’t be walking down that path yet and if I have my way, never, there’s always going to be that what if and that’s what scares me most.

I Still Got A Lot To Learn But At Least I Know Where I Can Turn

Jul 25, 2009

I’ve loved a lot, hurt a lot, been burned a lot in my life and times; spent precious years wrapped up in fear with no end in sight, until my saving grace shined on me; until my saving grace set me free. Giving me peace, giving me strength when I’d almost lost it all; catching my every fall– I still exist because you keep me save, I found my saving grace within you…

“My Saving Grace” – Mariah Carey

I’m been absolutely horrendous with keeping up with this blog and I will be the first to admit that, though it is not the only project that I have been neglecting on the internet. I’ve just been so busy trying to take care of things around the house and the new job that I haven’t had a real moment to sit down, concentrate, and write. I find that I miss it in the oddest moments of my life. Though I suppose what I miss the most is the ability for the words to come so easily and so freely– now without the proper motivation or muse I sit here watching the cursor blink at me wondering if I’ll ever be able to put on the screen the things that come to mind.

Even now I struggle, grasping at words that slip so easily and readily from the tips of my fingers, escaping as I attempt to put them into true form. It’s so frustrating that years ago the words came so easily and so naturally and now? Now, all there is is a void of emptiness and nowhere to go. I certainly hope that as I begin to make this place more like home, the words that I’ve lost, the images and creations that have disappeared will come flowing back in a burst of light; suddenly realized after so very long. I suppose though, time will tell as to what the outcome of my lost muse will be.

In the past few months many changes have occurred in my life. I left my previous position as the University of Phoenix, which in retrospect was the best decision for me. I am now a stay at home wife that works part time from home and cares for the home and puppies. Robby and I have also discussed plans about starting to try to have children next year after he’s graduated from college. My fears rest with me and threaten to rear its ugly head when I least expect it, but for the moment I hold them at bay yet I am frightened to face them yet again.

The discovery of how impactful they can be was the day I broke down near hyperventilation upon the news that my sister, who thought I was crazy for wanting kids found out she was pregnant. While I am happy for her, it was the last thing I needed and it was though as if I’d taken a blow straight to my gut and I could barely breathe. It took Robby nearly an hour to calm me and even though the thought lingered with me for the majority of the day and I struggled to smile even though inside I felt dead. I am better now, though I do fear my next “attack” and have to wonder what exactly it may entail.

For the time being the several projects that I have chosen to take on are helping to preoccupy me and keep my mind continually busy so that I do not linger on such posionous thoughts. I have found that it is the girls at Ecstasy, Danika and Alecia that keep me sane most days and for that I thank them.

Before I depart I have some goals to accomplish prior to my next blog. I do hope that I am able to stick with it this time. I want to stick with it this time.

Goals

• Re-organize movie/movie database
• Re-think Day Zero project
• Work on revamping Smitten
• Begin 365 Days Project and stick with it
• Blog weekly