Mar 1, 2011
30DoT – Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
It’s had to believe that it’s already March. It seems that we just entered the new year and yet here we are, 3 months into it and 4 months from Robby and I’s 4 year wedding anniversary. Strange how much faster time flies when you’re an “adult”. I remember when I was a child I often thought parents were crazy when they would say, “They grow up so fast.” but now I’m seeing that they weren’t wrong. We do grow up too fast, too soon and it saddens me how quickly our youth is lost and how much we spend so much of our lives disliking portions of ourselves, so much that we’ve come to hate those portions as we grow older.
There’s not a whole lot that I do hate about myself. I found that as I grew older I learned to accept a lot of my flaws and love me for who I am. I learned long ago that the opinions of others don’t matter– it’s your opinion of yourself that matters the most and so growing up, especially during my high school years, I was always the odd one amongst all my friends. How can she not care?, they’d wondered and now looking back I realize that they envied me for that ability and to this day, some still do.
If I had to choose one thing I hate about myself, it’s my inability to cut people lose when I need to. I hold on until it damn near kills me. I let people use me and abuse me because I fear failure. Failure in yet another relationship that wasn’t meant to last anyway and despite the fact that I know this deep down and recognize it, I still feel like I’ve failed.
Case and point, recently I made the decision to move forward with my life after someone I’d known for about 3-4 years decided that they no longer wanted to talk to me based on an opinion that a close friend of mine had. It was only after some things came to light which made it very clear as to where we stood in which I choose to let go and move forward but I know that if I hadn’t discovered these things, I would have still been open to talking to said individual if they’d made the decision to reach out to me, despite the fact that I knew deep down and others around me knew that our relationship was not a healthy one and for all intents and purposes was toxic.
I have a very bad habit of giving undeserving people multiple chances and I hate that about myself but I don’t phantom that will change any time soon. I can only take solace in the fact that I do have friends, true friends who will pull me out when I’m unable to do it on my own. It’s not much but it’s something and it’s all I have.
Feb 14, 2011
I don’t give a damn anymore.
While I am honest with family and friends, I do have this annoying habit of not saying something (or sugar coating the hell out of it) if I think it might hurt or offend someone. I only do this with people I care about though– everyone else can pretty much suck my proverbial dick and generally gets the truth no matter how harsh, cruel or offensive.
The problem that I’ve discovered by doing this, is that I end up taking a lot of crap that I shouldn’t have to take. I let people step on me and use me and I will just hold my tongue and bitch to Robby, Kristen, Jenn or Mika… which allows me to vent and let off some steam but in the long run doesn’t help either party.
So as of today– well really yesterday, I’m done. No more holding back or biting my tongue when it comes to what I actually think or feel, unless the only way I can express those feelings/thoughts are with the use of lots of expletives, because let’s face it, it’s one thing to be honest, it’s other thing to be downright bitchy and cruel.
So if I consider you a friend, family or even someone that I genuinely care about, whom in the past I would bite my tongue, no more. If you don’t like it then leave. Take me for what I am or don’t take me at all.
Dec 25, 2010
December 25 – Photo. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you. (Author: Tracey Clark)
-http://www.reverb10.com/
Who would have known that a friendship would grow so swiftly and so sure?
The picture I choose is a picture that I took of Jenn and I video chatting. We used to do this on a daily basis1 and it was a start of a beautiful friendship. This picture captures the person I strive to be, not necessarily the person I am. It was a decision on my part to open up and trust again, something that isn’t easy for me to do, but I think at some point I decided to take a leap of faith and go for it. I hope that as my life goes on, I’ll take more leaps of faith and perhaps I’ll get lucky, just as I was in taking that leap with Jenn.
Ultimately what this shot reveals about me is my desire to establish a connection with yet another person who gets me and understands. Someone who can appreciate me and love me as fully as I do with them in a friendship capacity. I never needed a lot of friends, I just needed a handful that understood and while having two friends that do isn’t a handful, it is a start… and you know what? Maybe that’s all I need.
1. We stopped when we realized we actually do have lives to lead 
Dec 18, 2010
For those who were involved in my life in the beginning of 2009, an ex-friend whom I’d cut ties with in 2007 made a point to reach out to me to try and mend what she had broken. I was very hesitant to begin with because there was just so much hurt and residual anger for how she treated not only me but those closest to me1 but after a lot of thought on my part, I decided to give her another shot.
A large part of the reason I decided to give her another chance is because a, I believe everyone should have a second chance, b, I saw that she had changed in some regard, given that confrontation and reaching out was never her forte, and c, I didn’t want to have that regret that I never tried to re-establish our friendship2.
Unfortunately, the change I saw was only a little bit of change and not enough change for me to want to continue to contact her or keep her as a friend. I will admit that when we mutually agreed to give it a shot, she was actually trying but as months wore on, her previous mannerisms started to come forth and I started to hear from her less and less. Even much less after I offered to give her my old, very new sidekick when her phone bit the dust.
I didn’t outright axe her out of my life after I stopped hearing from her. She’s a mom and I understand and accept that her child is priority but when I know that the father3 of her daughter has her for the month and still not to hear a peep, not a hi, how are you? Well, it’s evident that she just doesn’t care.
Now, I bet you’re probably sitting there thinking, well what about you? Shouldn’t you try and reach out to her? Well, I have. In fact, I’ve always been the one to try and reach out. I’ve always been the one to send out a text asking how things are going (see: the text I sent her yesterday4) and I’m tired of trying because I wasn’t the one trying to prove something. She was.
So today, I defriended her from Facebook and I removed her number from my phone because at the end of the day, I got what I wanted out of this attempt to rekindle our friendship: no regrets.
Too bad I can’t say the same for her.
1. Robby and my mother-in-law.
2. When we were friends, we were pretty much inseparable.
3. Friend of the family.
4. With no response of course.
Dec 16, 2010
December 16 – Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? (Author: Martha Mihalick)
-http://www.reverb10.com
I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to friends, I don’t have the best of luck. In fact for the most part I kind of suck at it and often meet people who don’t really understand the true concept of friendship. For a long time I kept thinking that it was because my expectations were too high and I should aim lower– and I did. All the time and because of that, I always ended up hurt and severely disappointed. And alone.
This year I guess has been a turn around for me and I think a large part of that is because I’m not willing to settle anymore. I’m grew tired of always giving everything I had into a friendship to find that the other person didn’t feel the same. I got tired of my husband being effected by my poor decision making skills and so this year, I made a point to not settle, to not back down in my expectations and to stop thinking that it was okay because they’re my friends.
The problem with this mentality? I ended up with not very many friends. Kristen was pretty much the only person who stuck around and while I was proud of myself, it hurt and my faith in those around me lessened to a point where I refused to let anyone get close to me. And I mean anyone.
Enter Jenn.
I’ll admit that when she and I first started talking it was pretty superficial. I wasn’t very trusting of anyone at that point in my life and so when we talked it was about trivial shit that didn’t really matter. Mostly the “Hey, how are yous?” and the “How was your day?” nothing substantial that would plant the seed of friendship.
I can’t even say when or how things between us changed because I don’t remember when they did. I just remember that one day we were pretty much inseparable and it just clicked. She is the first person (aside from Kristen) that I’ve ever had return all the feelings, emotions, and effort I put into a friendship back to me and it kind of threw me for awhile because all I could think was, “Huh? So this is what that feels like.”
I guess she changed my perspective of people in the sense that while yes it’s true I shouldn’t ever settle for less in a friendship, it’s also true rather then miss out on potential friendships because I’m too busy trying to find someone who can match my passion, loyalty, and love in friendships, I need to understand that not everyone has the same view of friendship nor the same emotional attachment I place on friendships and accept that.
I think I’ve come to a point in my life where I finally have.
So while she is my best friend and one of the few who has the same views on friendships as I, I also have other friends who while that may not be the case, I know love me in their own way and for that I am grateful because at end of the day, I love them just as much, if not more.
Sep 26, 2010
Day 7: Your best friend, in great detail
I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to friends, especially best friends I have a poor track record. I usually end up being the only person who actually cares enough to put effort into the friendship and often bends over backwards only to find that I can never receive the same in return. As a result I’ve pretty much stopped trying to find a best friend because I recognize that my expectations of what a best friend should be or even what a friend should be is often too high… until now.
I have three amazing people in my life who I know would do anything for me regardless of what it was. They would drop everything to be there for me and lose sleep over me which is something that I have never really had. I am fortunate that these girls are in my life and even more fortunate that they felt me worthy of their friendship. I know that the prompt said to tell you about my best friend in great detail, well I’m lucky enough to have more than one– which is a first for me.
Kristen- I have known Kristen for several years and coincidentally enough we met through Robby. The meeting was love at first sight, in fact it was more like bitch at first sight and we couldn’t stand one another. There was just something about here that rubbed me the wrong way and I would go out of my way to avoid having to do things that involved her. It wasn’t until I randomly decided to add her on Livejournal and she accepted- which was a surprise- in which we started to recognize and realize why we did not like each other. We’re two peas in a pod, so to speak. We think alike, act alike, and have a lot of the same trust issues and as a result we ended up deflecting each other1.
Once we realized what the issues was we developed a quick friendship and she’s one of the people I can just look at and know they understand what I’m trying to say. It’s kind of freaky sometimes but it’s kind of nice. We don’t need words to convey what we’re saying, we just know. I love her to pieces and am so fortunate and lucky to have her in my life2.
Jennifer- I have only known Jenn for a short time but we clicked just like that. We didn’t click instantly and I think a large part of that is because she has a shy personality when it comes to new people which results in the masking of her sarcastic nature, but once we got pass that hurdle, we were pretty much attached to the hip– or AIM? She’s one of the people who understands the frustrations of married life and someone I can run to when I want to throttle Robby for doing something that drives me up the walls. I can cry at her or with her and she will just listen and isn’t afraid to tell me what I need to hear. Plus, she’s amazing in bed… oops, sorry fantasy slipped out there 
.
What it really boils down to is having a friend who understands despite our differences. I’m loud and confrontational, she’s amicable and diplomatic. I’m crazy and off the wall with everyone I know, she is often reserved and shy depending on who she’s with. We complement and balance each other in a way and I know she has my back no matter what.
Meeka Micah Moo Moo Choo Choo- I have also only known Mika for a short time, but she kind of stole my heart when I met her. When we first started talking, we didn’t talk much, probably in large part because I’m not a very open person with new people, but despite that I admired her for being able to jump right in to the craziness that is Jenn and I and not feel intimidated or out of place. I remember when I randomly invited her to one of our video chats- which any sane person would have declined- but she accepted and we all clicked. It’s like she completed our little circle and now it’s always Angel, Kristen, Jenn, and Mika. We are so awesome that we’re like 4 peas in a pod. You are jealous, don’t lie!
All in all, I consider myself very lucky to have found such amazing people. I’ve never been lucky in the friend department and I’ve always felt like I give more than I get, but these ladies have shown me that’s not always the case and I’m grateful for that. I love each and everyone of you and am sooo lucky to have you in my life. I hope you know that. -big wet kiss-
1. Think magnets. Same poles end up pushing apart.
2. And one of the very few females I can live without that doesn’t drive me up the wall.
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