& She’ll Pretend To Be Busy When Inside She Just Wants To Cry

Sep 1, 2009

The beginning, in the first weeks of class she did everything to try and fit in but the others they couldn’t seem to get past all the things that mismatched on the surface and she would close her eyes when they left and she fell down the stairs; and the more that they joked; and the more that they screamed, she retreated to where she is now.

“Miss Invisible” – Marie Digby

It seems to day is a first for everything or perhaps just the start of something that will encompass the reawakening of a creative soul that’s been dead for too long. I suppose as the month progresses we shall see. Today marks the first day of Ecstasy MB’s blog-a-thon in which I will attempt and hopefully succeed in blogging for 30 consecutive days. Along with that I have restarted my 365 Days Project, which I had wanted to but couldn’t bring myself to restart. I suppose it’s time to stick to my guns and follow this through– at least now I have the support system to back me.

When I last left you I had mentioned several goals that I wanted to accomplish when I returned. While admittedly some of them I did not complete, I am proud to say that I was able to complete three of the five items– which isn’t stellar but it’s still something. I’m proud of myself to say the least and I hope that my renewed vigor and determination will lend me the strength I need to successfully complete one 365 Days Project and Project: Blog. I suspect that I will have moments in which I don’t want to attempt anything, but this time around I am going to push myself, regardless of how lazy or distracted I may be.

School has recommenced once more and I hope that my 2 week hiatus will grant me the motivation I had lacked in my previous class. I’m determined to complete each assignment on time and attempt to actually read the material instead of skimming or seeking out the information I needed which is what I have been doing. I have a lot of people behind me to keep me motivated so I hope with their help I’ll be capability of accomplishing what I could not before.

In addition I have decided to branch out from World of Warcraft, though I suspect I will recommence playing, given then new expansion pack due out, and have decided to try Aion. I wasn’t able to try the beta as they did not have the option to play this weekend, but it will be open this weekend and I have pre-ordered the game so I’ll have a month and a week of play time to decide if I want to continue. Thus far every person I have spoken to who has tried it and plays WoW says I will love it, but I’m a bit skeptical. I guess I shall have to see. I do know that it will be nice to have some games to switch between instead of being completely burnt out by WoW. When I’ve tried the game I will make a point to give some insight into it and also assess if it’s a game that a WoW player would be interested in trying.

I leave you all again with not only the start of my 365 Days Project image, but also the goals I have set for myself. Perhaps this will keep me motivated to continue with the projects and assignments I have ahead.

Goals:

• Think ahead for each 365 Days Project so I’m not stumped as to what my next picture will be
• Create a list of things you need to finish, prioritizing what should be completed first
• Read the materials required of you for school and complete all assignments due in the beginning of the week
• Comment on at least 3 blogs each day

I Still Got A Lot To Learn But At Least I Know Where I Can Turn

Jul 25, 2009

I’ve loved a lot, hurt a lot, been burned a lot in my life and times; spent precious years wrapped up in fear with no end in sight, until my saving grace shined on me; until my saving grace set me free. Giving me peace, giving me strength when I’d almost lost it all; catching my every fall– I still exist because you keep me save, I found my saving grace within you…

“My Saving Grace” – Mariah Carey

I’m been absolutely horrendous with keeping up with this blog and I will be the first to admit that, though it is not the only project that I have been neglecting on the internet. I’ve just been so busy trying to take care of things around the house and the new job that I haven’t had a real moment to sit down, concentrate, and write. I find that I miss it in the oddest moments of my life. Though I suppose what I miss the most is the ability for the words to come so easily and so freely– now without the proper motivation or muse I sit here watching the cursor blink at me wondering if I’ll ever be able to put on the screen the things that come to mind.

Even now I struggle, grasping at words that slip so easily and readily from the tips of my fingers, escaping as I attempt to put them into true form. It’s so frustrating that years ago the words came so easily and so naturally and now? Now, all there is is a void of emptiness and nowhere to go. I certainly hope that as I begin to make this place more like home, the words that I’ve lost, the images and creations that have disappeared will come flowing back in a burst of light; suddenly realized after so very long. I suppose though, time will tell as to what the outcome of my lost muse will be.

In the past few months many changes have occurred in my life. I left my previous position as the University of Phoenix, which in retrospect was the best decision for me. I am now a stay at home wife that works part time from home and cares for the home and puppies. Robby and I have also discussed plans about starting to try to have children next year after he’s graduated from college. My fears rest with me and threaten to rear its ugly head when I least expect it, but for the moment I hold them at bay yet I am frightened to face them yet again.

The discovery of how impactful they can be was the day I broke down near hyperventilation upon the news that my sister, who thought I was crazy for wanting kids found out she was pregnant. While I am happy for her, it was the last thing I needed and it was though as if I’d taken a blow straight to my gut and I could barely breathe. It took Robby nearly an hour to calm me and even though the thought lingered with me for the majority of the day and I struggled to smile even though inside I felt dead. I am better now, though I do fear my next “attack” and have to wonder what exactly it may entail.

For the time being the several projects that I have chosen to take on are helping to preoccupy me and keep my mind continually busy so that I do not linger on such posionous thoughts. I have found that it is the girls at Ecstasy, Danika and Alecia that keep me sane most days and for that I thank them.

Before I depart I have some goals to accomplish prior to my next blog. I do hope that I am able to stick with it this time. I want to stick with it this time.

Goals

• Re-organize movie/movie database
• Re-think Day Zero project
• Work on revamping Smitten
• Begin 365 Days Project and stick with it
• Blog weekly