Protected: Learning Pains

Jan 30, 2012

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It’s Just Not the Same

Jan 8, 2012

I’ve been fairly absent the last few weeks and while I could blame it on my busy life, which is certainly a factor, I have to admit that the internet is just no longer the same place for me. What I used to have interest in has waned and I have no desire to participate in some of the activities that made the internet so entertaining and exciting for me. I think in a sense I’ve kind of grown past a lot of the activities I once thought I would never be able to live without. Forums no longer hold an appeal for me and I find that I’m not as interested in sharing parts of my life as I once was. In a sense, blogging now is what it once was and should have always remained: therapy.

It’s serves as an outlet to deal with and perhaps also deconstruct what I’m not capable of doing out loud. It provides a place for my thoughts, however dark or insecure and yet in a lot of ways it is serves somewhat as a sanctuary, though I am still hesitant to share the deepest parts of myself for fear that it will be used against me. Last weekend we cleaned out the garage and I ended up stumbling on a journal I kept in my youth. Reading through the pages made me realize just how much I have changed and how much I have grown. I was such an angry and hateful youth that I often wonder how I managed to become the person I am today. I suppose a lot of that was based on trial and error– both in my relationships and the decisions I made which have lead me to where I am now.

Life has been nothing but a journey for me. I’ve made friends and lost them. Fallen in and out of love and have constantly changed and grown both in good and bad ways. I’m becoming more responsible in my decisions and of what I expect when and if I should ever raise a family. I’ve come to accept in some measure that I may never have the opportunity and rather than feel sad or depressed about it, I recognize that could be the cards that I am dealt.

The hey to life is perhaps not to try and control it, rather to instead to react as best as you can to whatever it throws your way.

Made A Wrong Turn Once or Twice

Nov 8, 2011

Last night I got to thinking– about a lot of things really, a moment of epiphany which made me realize the importance of this year’s festivities in light of the coming holiday. I’m not a perfect person and have never claimed to be. I make my fair share of mistakes, probably more than I’d like to admit but my heart has always, in most situations, been in the right place.

I’ve caused my fair share of hurt and experienced that same hurt in return but I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes and through the mistakes of others, enough to know and recognize who it is I want to be and the lessons I hope to one day instill in my progeny.

I’ll be the first person to admit I have a lot of trust issues, more than I’d like to admit and more than I care to show. It takes a lot for me to give my trust, even more so to prevent the pessimist in me from believing those close to me will inevitably hurt me and I’ll end up alone; as a result I wield my trust as my only weapon to protect myself, once earned, I trust freely, without hesitation but should that trust every be broken, even if I should forgive the one who broke it, it’s never fully restored and things as much as I’d like, do not ever return to that of which they once were. Instead, I begin to question a lot of things, doubt my self, and withdraw into a place where I can no longer be hurt. Such is the hurt I’ve had to endure and such is the result of the actions of others. Nothing is ever as it seems, a lesson that I learn time and time again.

With that being said, I find that this year, I am most thankful for the ones who have not broken my trust. Who’ve given me no reason to doubt or question motives or even question my own.

I am not one with many friends, very few in fact but I’d like to think that the friends I do have, the people I have chosen to surround myself with, most in distance places, these are the ones who I can trust with my secrets, with my pain, and with my tears.

It is within the darkest hours when you find who your true friends are; I am fortunate that I have a few true friends, when some have none.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you’ve already figured out

-Lifehouse

Protected: Who’s That Girl? I’ll Tell You When I Find Out.

Nov 1, 2011

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How Do People Do It– How Do You?

Sep 18, 2011

I will be the first to admit that when it comes to balancing my personal life, work and blogging I pretty much fail at the concept. Often times I am so wrapped up in work that I do not touch my personal computer until the end of the work week which is odd for me. I used to be the type that had to constantly check my blog, Veracity, and Facebook on a daily basis and now? I’m lucky if I even get a day where that is the case. It’s beyond frustrating but I just don’t know how to balance life, work, and the internet.

What worries me even more is that I plan on returning to school in January and I know that is only going to make things worse. Any ounce of free time will be devoted to my school work so I’m at a loss as to what I should do. What works for everyone else? How can you balance family, work, and life alongside keeping your blog active? How do you manage to have enough time for “real” life and your internet life? What tips and tricks can you offer me?

I’m really contemplating going back on a routine which if anyone knows me knows I hate routine. I’m an Aquarian and repetition does not bode well for me but I kind of feel that I don’t have a choice at this point. Maybe I should start making a point to wake up at a specific time every morning so I have time to eat breakfast, walk the dogs and do my daily internet tasks. I just don’t know. It worked for me when I wasn’t working a morning schedule but I’m not sure if it will now unless I start waking up as some G-d awful time in the morning.

All I know is that I miss my internet life and I miss the connection I had with some individuals and I miss some people I’m close to on the net, period.

So what do I do? Help!

Remembrance

Sep 11, 2011

The first time I ever heard this song after the events of 9/11 I cried and to this day it still gives me chills and causes me to tear up. 10 years ago many lives were lost in a senseless act of terror. My heart goes out to those who lost love ones and to this country. It is a day that changed the course of everyone’s life, whether they were directly effected or not, and it is a day that I will always remember.

To those who serve and have served in the military, I salute you for your service and for reminding us that freedom is not without cost.

Little Did She Know She’d Kissed A Hero – Kristy Jackson
He found some socks
She chose his tie
And when he left for work that morning he was just another guy
Going to work
He’d have to fly
Out to a meeting in L.A. so she had kissed him twice goodbye

Little did she know she’d kissed a hero
Though he’d always been one in her eyes
But when faced with certain death
He’d said a prayer and took a breath
And led an army of true angels in the sky
Little did she know she’d kissed a hero
Though he’d always been an angel in her eyes
Putting others first, it’s true
That’s what heroes always do
Now he doesn’t need a pair of wings to fly

The phone had rung
His voice was calm
Before he could tell her anything she knew something was wrong
I love you so
The last words he’d said
She said I love you too
And then the phone went dead

Little did she know she’d kissed a hero
Though he’d always been one in her eyes
But when faced with certain death
He’d said a prayer and took a breath
And led an army of true angels in the sky
Little did she know she’d kissed a hero
Though he’d always been an angel in her eyes
Putting others first, it’s true
That’s what heroes always do
Now he doesn’t need a pair of wings to fly