Aug 4, 2011
Weekly Theme: Personal
Daily Prompt: What would you say to the first person who ever broke your heart if you were given the chance?
Unlike most individuals my first heart break didn’t steam from an ex—though it did steam from a relationship, a relationship which for most is one of their most important in their life. For me it was the one that broke me completely and utterly and one that I hope no one else has had to experience.
If I were given a chance to truly tell the first person who ever broke my heart what I felt, I would probably ask why? Why did you decide to walk away from your family, from your kids and pick your friends? Were we not worthy enough, was there something so wrong with us that you could no longer stand to be around us or was it all just a big game to you? Let’s see how long I can stick this out and then BAM, one day you decided you were over it.
If I were given the chance to express my feelings and thoughts to my mother without the fear of vulnerability I would say to her, “At one time I idolized you. You were the sun in my sky and there wasn’t a single thing I wouldn’t have done for you and yet—that unconditional love was something you never reciprocated. You could have been a great mom but you made the choice to be something else entirely.
As much as my sisters want to credit your behavior to the issues you had when you were younger, I can’t. Why? Because of free will. We all have the ability to at one point to recognize that we can choose how we want our life to turn out and what path it is we choose to travel. I did that myself because of you. When I recognized I had a choice—I choose to be better than what you were, what you are.
Your behavior is not excusable because you had a shitty pass and I want you to know that who I am now, the woman I have become is partly because of you but don’t brag about it because every attribute I dislike about myself is due to you, every attribute I deem as good is because I didn’t want to be like you.
That’s the legacy you have to take to your grave and I hope that it was worth it. I really do.”
Oct 5, 2010
Day 16: Your first kiss, in great detail
My first kiss for all intents and purposes is actually kind of pathetic. While it’s true that it did happen with someone I had a HUGE crush on, the circumstances around the kiss was beyond lame.
First of the guy’s name was Brandon and I was I believe 13– maybe 12, but I can’t really recall. All I know is that I was in the sixth grade and he and I had “dated” for a time. We ended up breaking up because he was still hung up over his ex and well I didn’t want to be that girl who was chosen because he couldn’t have who he really wanted and thus things ended between us after a week.
In any event, we still hang out together and I still really liked him but I didn’t want to be some stupid lovesick girl who didn’t know right from left. I’m pretty sure he know I still had feelings for him, but he also knew that I refused to be a back up or plan B in his eyes.
The kiss happened on a whim. We were at the park with a friend of mine and we got it into our head’s to play ace or dare. For those who aren’t familiar ace or dare is obviously a modified version of truth or dare. If you pick ace you HAVE to do what is asked of you– no backing out and if you pick dare, you get 2 options.
I choose dare and the options that I was given was that I could either kiss him or give him a hickey. At the time and given my age, the kiss seemed to be the lesser evil. So we kissed. I think that was probably the most afraid I’d ever been in my life, but at the same time I was glad to have had it over with and I also know for a fact after that kiss he became a little more interested, but despite that I still didn’t want to be his second choice, so even though he wanted it to proceed further, I refused to allow it.
Man, I grew my balls fast. -giggles-
Sep 27, 2010
Day 8: A moment, in great detail
I don’t believe I’ve ever really talked about when Robby and I exchanged “I love yous”. I know I have on Ecstasy, but the moment has never been captured on my public blog. The moment of course is on an old Livejournal account; one that I look at and realize how much I have changed. How much the cynicism that once encircled me has faded and has instead been replaced by the love I have from a man, who while I may not deserve it, still loves me nonetheless. My moment is the moment that we said I love you, it was the day when I truly changed.
Before I begin I will preface that we were in Hawaii at the time on a short getaway to spend some time together. The following occurred as we had climbed into bed for the night and were trying to get some sleep:
Robby: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “Nothing.”
Robby: “Liar. What’s wrong?”
…. silence …..
Me: “I hate you.”
Robby: “Why?”
Me: “Because you make it hard not to fall for you.”
Robby: “What? [smiles] I don’t see how. I’m an ass.”
Me: “That’s the impression you give to other people, but I know better. You have your sweet side and I’m not the only one who sees that.”
Robby: “Who else?”
Me: “Amerlyn. You annoy her most of the time because you’re an ass, but she also knows that you can be sweet. Which is why when it comes down to it, she said if she had to pick someone for me, she’d pick you over Emilio.”
Robby: “So what’s wrong?”
Me: “….”
Robby: “You’re confused. I read your thing. You left it open.”
Me: “Which one?”
Robby: “There are multiple?”
Me: “Yes. Which one?”
Robby: “I don’t know, you left it open on your computer one day and I read it. It was the one that said you’re confused.”
Me: “Okay, that doesn’t help. Which one?”
Robby: “You mean to tell me, you wrote you were confused in more then one?”
Me: “Yes, which one?”
Robby: “The one that said you didn’t want to give in.”
Me: “Oh, probably livejournal then.”
…. silence ….
(more…)
Sep 24, 2010
Day 5: Your definition of love, in great detail
If you asked anyone- even me- I would say I should be the last person anyone should defer to for the definition of love. I’m not going to lie and say I’m not screwed up, because honestly I am. I’m probably one of the most screwed up people you were ever met, especially when it comes to the concept of love; though I suppose anyone with the childhood I had wouldn’t be expected to really know what love is, much let define what it means to them.
For a long time I didn’t think I had the capacity to allow anyone to love me. I was too damaged, too bruised to ever put anyone through that short of mental heartache- hell through that physical and emotional heartache- and yet I did allow my first love to enter my heart, my world, but never fully because I knew deep down he would never been able to love me if he knew who I really was.
Come to find out down the line that was true– but I digress.
Love to me is not something that you can define with words. You can try, but it’s not something anyone can ever get right. Instead, what we seek to do is define what we need from another to consider their love as worthy. So rather than define something I don’t think anyone is capable of defining, I’ll instead define what it is I need from another to allow them to love me.
First and foremost, I need understanding. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m crazy and despite the fact that I like to say that girls are crazy because they are, I think I’m the dangerous type of crazy. Why do I say that? Because I can think like a guy. I know what hurts. I know where to poke and where to prod to really make it hurt, to really drive that stake home. While it’s not something I ever use, it is something that I am capable of so for someone to love me, they need to understand.
Next, I need someone who understands I am a free spirit. When I say free spirit, I mean that I will not allow anyone to tell me what to do or how to live my life. While I will have enough respect to consider another’s feelings and thoughts when I am in a relationship, I will not allow anyone to tell me how I should live my life. If you can’t do that, if you can’t understand that I’m eccentric and kind of cooky, then you can’t love me because you wouldn’t be loving me for who I am, rather what you can mold me into.
Last and most importantly, I need someone who has the capacity to forgive. I make mistakes- hell we all do- but my mistakes can be worse than most. I have a tendency to self destruct. When things get too good or too happy, my fail safe is to fuck shit up because fucked up is all I have ever known. If the first thing you’re going to do is push me away because of this tendency, then I won’t let you love me because you’ll just be another person who walked away when I needed you most.
My husband is all of these things and more. He is the first person in my life who I could lean on and know that he would never let me fall. He is the first person who held on even though I was kicking and screaming, begging him to let me go. He is the first person who looked at me and said, “I love you. Not for who I want you to be, but for who you are.”
I am fortunate that I was able to find someone who could learn my deepest, darkest secrets, see the darkness within my soul and not think any less of me for it. In all my life, I have never been lucky– that is of course until I met him.
Aug 10, 2010
When it comes to going out, dinner, bars, etc, it’s not something that Robby and I do a whole lot. A large part of this is because it’s expensive and given our economy no one can really justify that expense. Another reason is due in large part because of where we’re located. It’s just not feasible to go into town to go out to dinner, bars, etc when we can save much more doing all that stuff at home.
One of the outings we used to do more frequently when we first started dating was go to the movies, but if I’m honest a large part of that was because my sister-in-law works for a theater so we were always able to get free tickets. Now that she lives in Atlanta, that’s no longer the case and as a result, we rarely ever go to the movies. Now a days theater tickets are just too expensive and as I said before it’s not really a feasible expense given the economy. I mean who can really justify $18 for a movie and even with the matinée prices, it’s still around $14 which isn’t really that great of a deal.
So what do we do instead? We stay in. We watch movies at home via Netflix and we invite people to come over to have a kickback since we still have a hefty store of alcohol from before we moved here. Sure, it’s not as luxurious and probably wouldn’t be considered as fun, but hey we’re saving money by staying home while everyone else is throwing there’s away in a broken economy. I think we’re the ones coming out on top. 
Jul 29, 2010
When it comes to flowers or anything sentimental for that matter, I tend not to care. I’ve never really been the type to believe that in order to feel loved Robby had to go out and bring me home flowers, chocolate, etc.
Now don’t get me wrong, the gesture, if done is HIGHLY appreciated, but it’s not something I need. Know what I mean?
In any event, I find it interesting and kind of funny that dating has “evolved” into other avenues, the internet for example and with evolution, a new way to send flowers/gifts, etc has exploded as well.
It is now possible to have a significant other in a completely different state or country for that matter and still send flowers to them without having to pick up the phone. Honestly I find it to be a little ridiculous that I could commission a NYC flower delivery simply by utilizing a website on the internet, but I guess that’s just me.
Call me old fashioned, but if I had any say in it, I think if you feel that gestures such as giving flowers is needed to show how much you love someone, the gesture goes further when you’re able to bring the flowers to your significant other yourself.
Thoughts?
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