Aug 31, 2011
The other night, Robby and I had a conversation about his decision to attempt the HCG diet. It’s nothing like taking what people claim to be effective weight loss pills but the risks and the concerns are there nonetheless.
First and foremost the diet entails daily injections and a caloric intake of 500 calories. That only concerns me. The shot is supposed to essentially trick your body into believing it is not hungry so you can comfortably eat 500 calories a day without feeling like you’re going to die of starvation. I don’t like it and I have no idea what the possible impact could be on his heart– something we already know is an issue.
I expressed this concern to him and he got upset stating that I was not being supportive. I told him that I do not agree with his decision and I will not agree with the diet but if made up his mind that this is something he wants to see through then I would support his decision; I just won’t agree with it.
He let the subject matter drop but I could tell that he was still not pleased about it. I am concerned about his health and feel that he did a piss poor job of following the Weight Watchers diet because while he was eating healthier, he wasn’t exercising and as a result he continued to maintain his weight.
Regardless, I love him and I understand his desire to want to lose weight. Do I agree with the method he is choosing? No. But will I support him regardless? Yes. Does that mean I’m being unsupportive? I don’t think so– but you tell me.
Apr 26, 2011
I am a proud woman. Always have an always will be. It is a trait that runs deep within my family and is dangerous amongst our kind as we tend to refuse to swallow our prides and admit when we’re wrong. This is how you know we care. How you know we love you; when we are able to swallow our pride, show our weakness and say, “I was wrong.”
The same goes with fear and worry. We aren’t prone to showing these emotions. It’s not something the Greer’s do so when we do, you should know that the love we have for you runs deep, really deep.
This past week has really allowed me to evaluate my feelings for the man I am committed to. We’ve had our ups and downs, our bumps in the road, some so big it’s a surprise that we’ve survived them and yet, despite our differences, our issues, our doubts, the moment I thought I might lose him is the moment when I realized that I have always loved him. Even in the moments when I thought my feelings had changed and the dark times in our life when I was sure it was over. I love that man more than he probably knows and more than I have the capacity to show– at least not in the way most people would understand, so I show it the best way I know how, through worry, through fear and through weakness because I trust and love him enough to know he wouldn’t take advantage of that, of me.
I can say that there has been a marked improvement since last week, however I still worry and I’m still fearful. The chest pain while no longer constant returns occasionally and it seems he can’t exert himself too much or the pain returns. The fact that no one knows what is causing it, worries me. I can’t fight what I can’t see and I am terrified. That’s not something that is easy for me to admit but that’s the truth. I smile at him and kiss him and hold him like everything is okay but internally I’m struggling not to yell and scream at the cardiologist demanding that he figure it out. I don’t like unknowns, I don’t like what ifs, and I don’t like feeling helpless– you can imagine just how much this it taking a toll on me. Sleep to say the least has been restless at best. I find no matter how much I sleep, I’m exhausted and recently I’ve taken to doubling up on my reading as a means to escape that which I cannot fight.
Don’t misunderstand me. I’m glad he’s doing better. Relieved in some part that the pain has receded but frustrated and angry that I cannot heal him completely and even more so at the fact that we have no idea why it’s happening or what’s causing it.
What I do know is this: I have never in my life felt as strongly for any man or person as I have for him and no matter the outcome, whatever this blight is that has struck our lives, I will fight with everything I have and never give up. We will make it through, there is no other option.
Apr 21, 2011
I can tell you with almost 99.9% absolute certainty that this week has been one of the most frightening, hellish weeks I have every had to experience. It took every ounce and measure of strength I had to not break down into a dribbling mess of tears and nerves.
Flashback to Monday afternoon. Everything is fine right? Well at least I assume it is, until I receive a phone call from Robby which went something like this:
Him: Do we have $200 in the checking account?
Him: Okay do we have $500?
Me: Why? What’s wrong?
Him: Well, I just left urgent care because I was experiencing chest pains and I—
Me: What do you mean you just left urgent care? Baby, why didn’t you tell me?
Him: Well, I didn’t want to worry you until I found out what was wrong.
Me: Baby, I am going to BEAT your ass! How would you have felt if I had done that to you?! You should have called me!
Him: I didn’t want you to worry and it’s different with you.
Me: No, it’s not.
Him: Well, the doctor said he didn’t think it was anything serious but if it was his brother or sister, he’d tell them to go to the ER. I tried looking for one but I couldn’t find one. So do you think I should go? Do we have the money?
Me: The money is in the USAA account and how are you feeling?
Him: Well, I have a fever and I just want to go home and sleep.
Me: Okay so there isn’t one in the area?
Him: Well I just found one a few miles from where I am.
Me: Go to the ER.
Him: Okay. I’ll talk to you later, I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Least to say I was PISSED. What is it with men and their ass backwards way of thinking? In any event, he spent about 7 hours at the ER and we were under the impression that night that he was going to be sent home because when the ecg machine spit out the results of his EKG, everything appeared normal. The last batch of testing was the CT scan and we all thought it would come back fine.
We we wrong.
The CT results revealed a cyst on his heart and the doctor thought he might possibly have an infection in his heart, so they admitted him because they wanted him to talk to the cardiologist in the morning. By that point obviously I’m trying not to freak out and we stopped by to see him and he looked like crap.
We got home that night and I cried myself to sleep. Not silent tears but a choking, desperation that he needed to be okay cry. Least to say, I slept terribly and woke up the next morning feeling as if I had not slept at all.
Tuesday rolls around, he talks to the doctor and they give him more information, advising that fluid has built up around his pericardium and they have two options they can treat with antibiotics and discharge him or they could operate and send him home with antibiotics. Either way the surgeon had not decided and it wasn’t until a few minutes after Kristen and I arrived that the surgeon came in to see him.
He ended up deciding against the surgery because Robby wasn’t displaying the usual symptoms that result in chest pain due to a build up of fluid around the heart. He wasn’t gasping for breath, the veins in his neck weren’t enlarge and he “looked quite comfortable” according to the surgeon, so surgery was ruled out, however they decided to keep him another night for further observation.
Obviously, I’m relieved but still worried considering this means we have absolutely NO idea what is causing his chest pain. Wednesday rolls around and I get a text from Robby telling me he’s more than likely getting discharged. Several hours later I get another text telling me he has bad news and he may end up staying another night because the cardiologist failed to inform his nurses and his physician that he intended on doing a angiogram which means Robby wasn’t supposed to eat– which he had been.
Around 6pm, I get another text from Robby asking if we could get him at 8pm. Apparently they were able to do the angiogram and a cardiac catheterization which put his right hand out of commission for the next several days. They didn’t find anything abnormal other than mild carditis which still does not account for the chest pain.
He’s home now and still in pain, though not as badly as he was before. He is due in for a follow up in 2-4 weeks, but again the issue is not finding the underlying cause of his chest pain. As it stands he is on pain killers but that obviously isn’t a long term solution to the problem. So yes, this week has been incredibly stressful and while I’m relieved that he’s home, I’m still worried about his condition and I hate that we can’t figure out what’s causing it.
So now it’s Thursday night and I’m struggling to keep my eyes open due to pure exhaustion. I’m not sleeping well because I’m worried so I’m waking up every few hours in a panic, thinking he needs me. Thankfully my mother in law will be in town on Saturday so I can at the very least get some rest. I’m running ragged and it’s taking everything in me to keep pushing forward.
I’m praying to the Goddess that he recovers and the inflammation in his heart is the cause of his chest pains because this means the medication he’s taking (anti-inflammatory) will remedy the problem. If it doesn’t, I honestly don’t know what we can do. No one knows what is causing his pain and I don’t know how much longer I can push myself like I have been, though ultimately it doesn’t matter because he needs me.
Apr 9, 2011
Last night I made a decision. Probably one that I should have made months ago but there was always an excuse to serve as justification. “We’re too busy.” I’d said or “I’m too tired.” I’d hear [from Robby]– but finally last night I realized that the change I wanted and the change he needed was never going to happen if we half assed our way through everything. We needed this and though it’s going to be hard, especially on me, it’s something that I recognized we needed to do.
Yesterday, I told Robby that I was signing him up for Weight Watchers. I didn’t give him a chance to get in a rebuttal, I told him we were doing it and that was that. Surprisingly, he didn’t argue with me and told me he would try it. It’s going to be a lifestyle change for the both of us because while he and Kristen are trying to lose weight, I’ll be trying to gain it but I’m focused and I am going to do this. No more excuses, no more whining, no more justifications. It’s time the change we’ve been talking about for so long but have never followed through on and we are.
Today we embarked on that journey of change. My goal is to eat at least twice as much as the point value that Kristen is alloted a day, though I’m not deluding myself and realizing that I’m going to have a tough time to begin with. I’m not nearly near my goal for the day but I’m okay with that because it’s a work in progress and I know that. Meanwhile, Robby is now measuring out food as he should be and using the Weight Watchers app on his phone to calculate the point values for the things he’s eating.
I’m going to start drinking Boost Plus to try and increase my daily calorie intake and start tracking the weight that I will hopefully put on. I’m don’t expect this to an easy journey– it’s going to be hard as hell, but I am finally holding myself accountable and am doing the same with Robby. His goal weight is 190lbs and mine is 100lbs. Ideally I’d like to be about 110 but I’ll start small and work up and we’ll see how it goes.
We are the only ones with the capacity to change the people we are and the way we live and we finally are. When’s the last time you made a decision to change?
Jan 27, 2011
I’m sitting here at 11:45 at night and thinking to myself about just how damn lucky I am. I say this because I have a man who comes home to me every night and the first thing he thinks to do is give me a kiss to let me know that I matter and that he loves me.
I have a man who I can text and ask to bring me food, who doesn’t have to ask what I want and just knows. I’m lucky in regards to the fact that this man, who sometimes drives me bat shit crazy with some of the things he does, is still the person who’s arms I want to crawl into and stay in forever because it’s right; because that’s where I’m safest. Because it’s home.
I don’t deny that he and I have our hiccups. We fight, we disagree, we pout, we bitch, even moan– but at the end of the day, there is that look we share and we just know. We know that our love is there, beating strongly between the two of us, never wavering, only growing as we continue to grow together.
There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t have to stop and catch my breath when he kisses me. There isn’t a night that goes by when I don’t crawl into his arms and wish that we could lay like that forever. Two souls– beating as one; entangled, impassioned, and lost in each other’s hearts.
There isn’t a year that goes by when I can’t help by look back and think—damn I’m lucky.
I think the universe gave him to me as a gift. As a, “Hey kiddo, you had a pretty screwed up life—but here this will make up for it.”
And you know what? It has.
Jan 24, 2011
Growing up, I never really understood the value of trophies or plaques. I mean yeah, sure they signified something but I didn’t ever really believed that anyone needed these objects to signify their greatness. It’s just something that’s inside you and you sure as hell don’t need a trophy or a plaque that says so. But if I’m honestly I feel that way about any object which is why when Robby asked me to marry him I didn’t want a ring and if I’m honest, still don’t.
I think it’s a stupid old fashioned tradition. I don’t need a ring to symbolize my love and commitment to the man I married. I know it, it’s there with me every day and a ring isn’t going to change that or add value to it. Do I have a ring? Well, yes but not because I wanted it but because he wanted it and so I gave in.
I’m not saying my ring isn’t important to me. It is because it’s important to him but at the end of the day, I don’t need it to signify the dept of our love. I just look at him and he looks at me and I know. We know. And honestly that’s all I’ll ever really need.