#reverb10: Dec 14 – Appreciate

Dec 14, 2010

December 14 – Appreciate. What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? (Author: Victoria Klein)

-http://www.reverb10.com

You know it’s funny, I was actually thinking about typing up a blog post about this yesterday before I even saw this topic, but decided I would wait and low and behold it happened to come across. Too bad I’m not this good with lotto numbers!

The one thing that I have come to appreciate most in the past year is Robby’s understanding. I blogged about something like this, but there is one thing that I appreciate so much about Robby which he probably has no idea about but still something I felt I needed to document.

I appreciate that he understands [or at least tries to understand] how important my interests [especially online interests] are to me.

When the world web wide suddenly became the thing and I started to grow interested [particularly in graphic and web design] I got very little support from my father¹. He didn’t understand it and NEVER took the time to understand and because of that we had many a fight about my being on the internet all the time².

It hurt a lot and probably more than he ever knew or knows but I counted the days until I could leave the nest so I didn’t constantly have someone breathing down my neck about my interests.

Robby is completely different from my father³. He is supportive and caring and understanding. I buy things for giveaways⁴ on my blog or on my board and he never protests or makes a big fess about it. He’s actually very understanding and knows that these things are important to me and thus ultimately important to him. Lastly, he understands that my friends online aren’t just nobodies who don’t exist and can’t really be my friends. He understands and accepts their importance to me and thus makes them important to him and I love him for it.

So yes, I appreciate his understanding, hell I appreciate him and to show my gratitude I step back every once and awhile and bask in how lucky I am to have a husband who accepts and understands me so fully– there are few people who have that and I’m damn lucky to be among them.

I love you, baby.

1. And frankly if I’m honest, still doesn’t understand.
2. And I wasn’t on that often.
3. I guess not all girls marry men that remind them of their father.
4. Albet it usually on sale, but still.

Oh Looks & She Writes A Post That’s Not Paid!

Nov 23, 2010

I have to apologize to you all for having not taken the time to write an actual entry that is not private¹, however life of late has been quite busy. I was promoted at work and as a result my life has become pretty much work and school. I do what I can on the side when it comes to paid blogging because well I get paid to do it, but as far as actual posts, they’re few and far between².

On top of that, I don’t really have much to write about. I can’t really go into the details of work publicly so that’s out, school is… well school and my life well it’s encompassed work and school so my topics are limited. I do have to admit that finally AFTER forever I am excited about Thanksgiving. It took awhile for me to get there this year which is odd because I love Thanksgiving. It’s my second favorite holiday but this year I just wasn’t feeling like it was the holidays which is weird given that last year I was super depressed and now this year I was just like meh.

In other news, Robby finished his last course and so he will soon be receiving his Bachelor’s in Psychology. I hate it but I’m proud of him at the same time, lol. Hate him because he’s done and I still have a ways to go but damn proud that he did it because I knew he could! Plus this really opens up the possible kid front, but if I’m honest I don’t think either of us have the time right now. Would I love to start a family? Absolutely. But I’m realistic and I don’t want to commit to something that we can’t really fully commit too. If I have kids I want to be able to have the time for them and I want to make sure Robby does as well. Right now, neither of us do. We’ll see what the new year’s brings, I guess. *shrugs*

1. This is why you should subscribe!
2. Obviously

Day 23: You Know How To Brighten My Day

Oct 12, 2010

I’ll admit that I have my moments where I’m just down in the dumps and it seems that no matter what my friends or family members try to do to cheer me up, it just doesn’t help– but there’s one thing that does: curling up into Robby’s arms and letting him hold me. That is a sure fire cure to make whatever it is that’s plaguing me stop.

Of course that sure fire cure usually results in an emotional break down and soaking him in my tears, but you know what it works. Sometimes I juste need a good cry to make me feel better and sometimes I just need to be held while I do it.

Despite the fact that I hate it when I’m down or just in a general funk, I do enjoy what comes from it. There’s nothing like having the strong, comforting arms of the person you love wrapped around you letting you know that they’re there for you.

I grew up never having someone tell me it was okay to cry– I’m glad that I married a man who doesn’t have to say it because I know that I can do it without him thinking less of me. Crying was always a weakness in my family but in his arms, it’s a release and I am so lucky to have found it.

Day 17: Memory is a Way of Holding on To The Things You Love

Oct 6, 2010

The problem with this is that it’s kind of goes hand and hand with, Day 8: A moment, in great detail and let’s face it repeating myself isn’t really fun. So I suppose I will go with my second favorite memory since we’ve already visited my first: the day Robby proposed.

Ironically enough this isn’t some grand story. In fact compared to most engagement stories, it’s actually kind of unromantic, but at the time it meant the world to me. Robby and his family were going through a rough patch. His mom just had emergency surgery and was a little loopy and his aunt thought she was helping, but instead only said some really, really cruel hurtful things.

She sent his sister an e-mail basically saying I was useless and that I had brought another freeloader into the house and that we both needed to go. I was shocked, hurt, and just completely blown away and I broke down in tears. I never wanted his family to think of me that way, most especially his immediate family and the words I admit wounded me deeply and pissed Robby off.

I had busted my ass to make sure his mom’s house was sparkling because I realized she was doing me a favor by letting me stay there rent free. I appreciated it and it was a huge hit to my pride to not be able to compensate her monetarily so I did what I knew how to do, I cleaned and cooked and helped in what every manner she needed. Having her aunt send that e-mail to his sister made me realize that it wasn’t enough and it devastated me.

I’m not sure what it was for him but while I was sitting there crying in his arms and wailing like a child, I guess something in him clicked because the next thing I know he’s asking me to marry him and I’m choking and gasping on my tears. To this day I joke that was his attempt to get me to shut the fuck up. In any event, I obviously said yes and the fact that he asked me in that moment when things were completely messed up, only proved to me that he was going to love me regardless of the bad. He was in it for the long haul.

So while it may not have been the most romantic proposal, it was still one that touched me to the very core of my soul and still does.

Day 8: The Most Important Thing in Life is to Learn How to Give Out Love and to Let it Come In

Sep 27, 2010

I don’t believe I’ve ever really talked about when Robby and I exchanged “I love yous”. I know I have on Ecstasy, but the moment has never been captured on my public blog. The moment of course is on an old Livejournal account; one that I look at and realize how much I have changed. How much the cynicism that once encircled me has faded and has instead been replaced by the love I have from a man, who while I may not deserve it, still loves me nonetheless. My moment is the moment that we said I love you, it was the day when I truly changed.

Before I begin I will preface that we were in Hawaii at the time on a short getaway to spend some time together. The following occurred as we had climbed into bed for the night and were trying to get some sleep:

Robby: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “Nothing.”
Robby: “Liar. What’s wrong?”

…. silence …..

Me: “I hate you.”
Robby: “Why?”
Me: “Because you make it hard not to fall for you.”
Robby: “What? [smiles] I don’t see how. I’m an ass.”
Me: “That’s the impression you give to other people, but I know better. You have your sweet side and I’m not the only one who sees that.”
Robby: “Who else?”
Me: “Amerlyn. You annoy her most of the time because you’re an ass, but she also knows that you can be sweet. Which is why when it comes down to it, she said if she had to pick someone for me, she’d pick you over Emilio.”
Robby: “So what’s wrong?”
Me: “….”
Robby: “You’re confused. I read your thing. You left it open.”
Me: “Which one?”
Robby: “There are multiple?”
Me: “Yes. Which one?”
Robby: “I don’t know, you left it open on your computer one day and I read it. It was the one that said you’re confused.”
Me: “Okay, that doesn’t help. Which one?”
Robby: “You mean to tell me, you wrote you were confused in more then one?”
Me: “Yes, which one?”
Robby: “The one that said you didn’t want to give in.”
Me: “Oh, probably livejournal then.”

…. silence ….
(more…)

Day 5: Love is the Condition In Which The Happiness Of Another Person is Essential to Your Own

Sep 24, 2010

If you asked anyone- even me- I would say I should be the last person anyone should defer to for the definition of love. I’m not going to lie and say I’m not screwed up, because honestly I am. I’m probably one of the most screwed up people you were ever met, especially when it comes to the concept of love; though I suppose anyone with the childhood I had wouldn’t be expected to really know what love is, much let define what it means to them.

For a long time I didn’t think I had the capacity to allow anyone to love me. I was too damaged, too bruised to ever put anyone through that short of mental heartache- hell through that physical and emotional heartache- and yet I did allow my first love to enter my heart, my world, but never fully because I knew deep down he would never been able to love me if he knew who I really was.

Come to find out down the line that was true– but I digress.

Love to me is not something that you can define with words. You can try, but it’s not something anyone can ever get right. Instead, what we seek to do is define what we need from another to consider their love as worthy. So rather than define something I don’t think anyone is capable of defining, I’ll instead define what it is I need from another to allow them to love me.

First and foremost, I need understanding. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m crazy and despite the fact that I like to say that girls are crazy because they are, I think I’m the dangerous type of crazy. Why do I say that? Because I can think like a guy. I know what hurts. I know where to poke and where to prod to really make it hurt, to really drive that stake home. While it’s not something I ever use, it is something that I am capable of so for someone to love me, they need to understand.

Next, I need someone who understands I am a free spirit. When I say free spirit, I mean that I will not allow anyone to tell me what to do or how to live my life. While I will have enough respect to consider another’s feelings and thoughts when I am in a relationship, I will not allow anyone to tell me how I should live my life. If you can’t do that, if you can’t understand that I’m eccentric and kind of cooky, then you can’t love me because you wouldn’t be loving me for who I am, rather what you can mold me into.

Last and most importantly, I need someone who has the capacity to forgive. I make mistakes- hell we all do- but my mistakes can be worse than most. I have a tendency to self destruct. When things get too good or too happy, my fail safe is to fuck shit up because fucked up is all I have ever known. If the first thing you’re going to do is push me away because of this tendency, then I won’t let you love me because you’ll just be another person who walked away when I needed you most.

My husband is all of these things and more. He is the first person in my life who I could lean on and know that he would never let me fall. He is the first person who held on even though I was kicking and screaming, begging him to let me go. He is the first person who looked at me and said, “I love you. Not for who I want you to be, but for who you are.”

I am fortunate that I was able to find someone who could learn my deepest, darkest secrets, see the darkness within my soul and not think any less of me for it. In all my life, I have never been lucky– that is of course until I met him.