The Days Fly On By; Mere Memories in the Wind

Apr 14, 2010

Sorry for the darkness. The sun shifted and therefore the natural light I had been relying on was taken. Also ignore the freeze frame expression. I swear Vimeo does that on purpose.

A New Journey Begins, Well At Least We Hope So

Apr 8, 2010

I should probably be sleeping but I’m kind of avoiding sleep because I have my OBGYN appointment tomorrow and I’m freaking out about it, so I figure the longer I delay sleep, the longer I delay the appointment. I know it’s silly but I’m terrified that I’m going to get bad news and I don’t know how I would handle that. It’s partially my fault. I haven’t had a pap smear done since I was 18, mostly because I had no insurance for it and I haven’t been to a doctor since my suicide attempt. As a result I’m sure my health has suffered for it, but I’m not sure how much and I’m afraid I’ve put it off so long that I’m going to get news that will break my heart. I just hope that’s not the case, but again, I’m a pessimist at heart so I just keep trying to prepare myself for bad news, even though I know that’s probably the one wrong to look at it.

In any event, the week has really flown by. I think in large part it’s because my mother-in-law is in town and thus we’ve been busy running around a lot. Plus, Robby and I had some great news for her and that is we’ve decided to start trying for children, hence the trip to the OBGYN. That and I still haven’t had my period, still brown discharge, but no period, unless we count that. I do plan on bringing it up with the doctor and letting her know all the pregnancy tests I’ve taken thus far have been negative. My sister thinks I could possibly be pregnant and I’m just getting false negatives, but I don’t know. There’s also a possibility that I have an ectopic pregnancy, but I haven’t had any of the typical symptoms nor have I felt any pain in my side which is characteristic of an ectopic pregnancy, so I don’t know. I suppose all of the possibilities will be narrowed down tomorrow, but again I’m still freaked out about it. *sigh*

I’m also trying to slowly cut back on my caffeine intake and then slowly remove it from my diet completely. I think not only will it be good for me but it will save us a lot of money in the long run. I don’t even want to think of how much money we spend on Pepsi, so I think this is a good move. Plus, come May, Robby and I are planning on changing our diets. I’m going to be eating more fruits and veggies and I will also be taking folic acid and calcium supplements while he tries to lose weight. All of this is in preparation for trying to get pregnant and I think in the long run as long as we stick with it, we’ll feel much better– well at least we hope so.

Okay, I suppose I’ve postponed sleep long enough. Here’s hoping tomorrow is a good day and not one that breaks me, but the only way to find out is to let sleep come and hope for the best.

Yet Another Disappointment, Yet Another Fear

Apr 4, 2010

I’m surprised at how many comments I got in my last entry and even more surprised at how many people actually read my blog! In any event, thank you fall for the feedback and I hope that it allowed you to think more about your reasons for blogging and hopefully remind you all that it’s not the amount of comments or readers that makes a blog; rather its how it helps you to grow as an individual.

I had what I thought was exciting news earlier today which turned into crappy news, as I realized that I had screwed up the test and therefore the small percentage of it being positive was thrown out the window. In any event for a brief period I thought that I could really be pregnant as the test had done something I’d never seen it do. It wasn’t a straight confirmation but there was a slight blue in the positive window, however I didn’t exactly have enough urine so I couldn’t really be sure. My period has been really odd this month, if it can even be called that. When I thought I had started I grabbed a tampon as per usual and that was that. However when I went to change the tampon, there wasn’t much on it and a few days later, not much either, except a slight brownish discharge which for all intents and purposes could only be considered spotting.

It’s been a little over a week since that point and still nothing. I had taken tests previously, however they had all turned up negatively, so when I took the test today I had a good reason to assume it was in fact positive– that is until I took another test with more urine to give which came up negative, so my hopes were dashed and I am left once again thinking I just don’t have the ability to conceive. I know it’s premature as Robby and I haven’t really been trying, but still it hurts and it worries me. I can’t lie and say it doesn’t because it really does. I just hope Aunt Flo comes knocking soon so I can get it over with and move on with this month.

In other news, I am now the proud owner of a Macbook. It’s taking some getting used to and there are a few features I do not like (for instance needing to have an App to make sure the apps I want to uninstall are fully uninstalled) or the fact that I am having issues seeing other computers on our wireless network. Other then that I don’t mind it. I’m using it for the reason I got it, but I don’t think I’ll ever been a true Mac convert. I still prefer PCs and Windows hands down.

Well I suppose I’m off to figure out what I intend on doing for my 52 Weeks picture (today is the last day for the week) and I should probably work on my homework. I’m not at all in the mood to do it, but unfortunately it’s not like I have much of a choice in the matter. *sigh*

It seems we have no control what so ever over our own hearts.

Feb 8, 2009

Life
Is it just me or does it seem like everyone and their mother is pregnant or getting pregnant? Now normally this wouldn’t bother me, but I’ve been dealing with a huge case of baby fever these past few months and it just seems like every time I turn around I hear that someone is pregnant or someone just had a baby and it’s really starting to get on my nerves. I have no problems admitting that I’m beyond jealous because I’d like my own bundle of joy, but I’m a realist and I know that now would not be a good time to even consider bringing a child into the world, however that doesn’t mean that I enjoy having it thrown in my face every time I turn around. Well at least that’s how it seems. I mean yay, congratulations to the future mom and dads to be or the new parents, but I’m bitter and unhappy and tired of hearing about pregnant people or seeing them!

Work is no better. Every which way I turn, there’s a pregnant lady walking around and I can feel the green in me start to come out. The little vines of green coil around my heart and make me want to scream, “No fair, no fair!” Instead, I smile, and ask when they’re due in the meanwhile I’m silently thinking to myself, “Bitch.” You know it didn’t seem too long ago when I didn’t really care and had no desire at all to have a child because I knew I had time, but even at 22, almost 23 my biologically clock is doing wonders to try and speed up the process. Thank goodness I have a husband who does well in making me see the reality of things– even if he has to do it almost every other day because of the constant exposure to moms to be. *pouts* *pouts*

School
School seems to be going well. I dislike the word count limitations on certain assignments because I’m a writer and limitations on the maximum number of words only serves to piss me off. Currently I have an “A” in both my courses, though just barely in one of my courses because I wasn’t aware there was a maximum number of words I could write being as it wasn’t clearly stated. Yes, I’m pissed– but at least now I know and make an effort and I mean an effort to make sure I’m in the word count requirements limitations. It’s beyond frustrating, I can tell you that.

I am really enjoying one of my instructors for my Contemporary Business Communication class, but I don’t particularly like my instructor for my Skills For Learning in an Info Age class. She seems rather bland and dissociative and I’m just not a fan. I cannot wait until I’ve finished her course. I may actually throw a party!

Electronics
I recently just found out that T-Mobile is due to release the newest version of the Blackberry Curve this month. I had planned on purchasing the Blackberry Bold unlocked, but I may just get the Curve as the specifications are slightly better and it’s must smaller and thinner then the Bold. I have yet to decide, but I plan on checking out the new Curve prior to making my decision, as I’ve already tried the Bold and loved it. Chances are I will go with the Curve only because it will probably be cheaper and I wouldn’t have to worry as to whether or not I could get 3G on it via our provider.

I also plan on purchasing the G-1 for Robby as a surprise, though he has insisted that I wait for the rest of the phones T-Mobile is supposedly due to release. The only problem is that his phone is a complete piece of shit and it’s not just that he wants a new phone but really that he needs one. So those will be my two purchases for the month of February, one as a birthday present and the other just because I love him.

Travel
This weekend Robby and I will be driving to San Diego because I desperately need some time out of the state. Plus we have a 3 day weekend due to President’s Day, though my manager was kind enough to give me my birthday off so really we’ll have a 4 day weekend. What sucks is that before we can even think to drive out to San Diego we have to get one of the tires on the Jeep replaced because it appears to have a leak. Unfortunately it’s not covered under the warranty so we are forced to pay out of pocket to replace the tire. Not something we are really looking forward to, but unfortunately it has to be done before we head out to San Diego. Of course we could just stay in for the weekend, but I’m not particularly thrilled about that idea because I really need to get away for a weekend. Hopefully it won’t cost too much to replace the tire but knowing our luck that won’t be the case.

Well, I’m off to bake some cookies, straighten my hair and simultaneously try not to pull out my hair as I try to complete my homework which again has a damn word count limitation. It’s no wonder I haven’t thrown my computer out the fucking window yet!